Let me try to paint the picture for you

Let me try to paint the picture for you
She hasn’t called you since before you can remember
But you can think about that as much as you want your phones still ringing
You answer to a voice that tries to sound calm but you know otherwise
Let me try to paint the picture for you
She says she wants to tell you with words that falter
But as hard as she tries her heart aint singing
You tell her you’ll come see her tomorrow with your fear in disguise
Let me try to paint the picture for you
She’s sitting in your car now and her pride still wont surrender
But in aggravation hands you the paper with the doctors finding
You tell her you will try to help her, though all you feel is hate and despise


Let me try to paint the picture for you
So your heart too will break
Let me try to paint the picture for you
So that we can fix this mistake


Let me try to paint the picture for you
He wanders in laughing and smiling
But you wonder why he’s there
You press it from your mind to try to pay attention
Let me try to paint the picture for you
He hides it well he doesn’t want you to see him crying
But the topic is too heavy its too much to bare
You feel his pain with nervous apprehension
Let me try to paint the picture for you
He portrays his heart as black and dying
But the razor proves otherwise as crimson spills from the wound, does anyone care?
You and he are the same, you have to tell him, hiding now is out of the question


Let me try to paint the picture for you
So your heart too will quake
Let me try to paint the picture for you
So that we can all stop being fake


Let me try to paint the picture for you
They lie on the street all around us
But you can justify it, cant you?
You tell your self drugs, and bad choices are to blame
Let me try to paint the picture for you
Their life is not worthless
But if it ended tonight what would we do?
You wouldn’t notice your life is the same
Let me try to paint the picture for you
Their plight is something we must discuss
But are you willing to?
You, the first step must be taken by you, or You, will be to blame


Let me try to paint a picture for you
One you really don’t want to see
So let me try to paint this picture for you
With words instead of paint
For this picture is painted for you
So that your heart can break


Yes this picture I’ve painted for you
Is so that you can no longer fake
That this picture I’ve painted for you
Though words instead of paint
Is a picture I’ve painted for you
Because its something we all must see

It's Hard to Argue When You Won't Stop Making Sense

Just was listening to my I-tunes collection, and ran across this song. Not sure why it never stuck out to me before. I know snow patrol is far from inspired and I don’t believe they even claim to have anything to do with Christianity, but this isn’t the first time I’ve seen their lyrics as able to be dialogue with God.

Tonight's song was "Hands Open" by snow Patrol:

It's hard to argue when you won't stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it keeps digging my own grave with my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

Why would I sabotage the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know exactly what I want with my...

Hands open and my eyes open
I just keep hoping that your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

Put Sufjan Stevens on and we'll play your favorite song
"Chicago" bursts to life and your sweet smile remembers you,

my Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

"Its hard to argue when you wont stop making sense", lately its been easy to fall into routine. It always is, it happens all the time. But when ever I finally wake up and get that clear mind, which I usually find in worship, (but everyone has their places and things where they feel closest to him), but when ever it happens I almost have to, and even sometime do just break into a smile. Sometimes the week gets so rough and we get all caught up, even with good things, but I have to shake my head and laugh every time I remember that he’s there, and he makes sense. And we have to laugh at our selves "how could we have argued with you all week" "of course your right, your always right!" I want to try to let less and less time and maybe someday none at all between finding this truth. Why must we keep up the tendency of involving ourselves and making plans, when in the end we know our plans are rubbish and he's going to work it out.

Another way it struck home with me is my "call" to ministry. I’m pretty sure I’ve received it, but I must admit its not an easy thing to accept and submit to. I was talking with a pastor I absolutely respect. His life of service and reverence for God is something that has shaken my faith, especially in his prayer life which is very open and un ashamed. I envy that. But we were talking and he said "isn’t it hard" yes it really is, see its not all that I want to be out drinking or something, all though I’m sure all of my hobbies aren’t exactly biblical, its the little things. Not “partying” on Friday night, but just being able to do something, have the freedom to make plans or even do nothing at all. But we have made the commitment to be here at church on Friday nights working with this handful of kids. But when the fog of responsibility fades even for a moment and I can grasp some feeling of comrade-ary with my God and maybe just maybe that he is pleased with me or just might use me to make a difference that I once again shake my head and laugh. "What sacrifice I must ask?" "Where else would I rather be?" "Its hard to argue when you keep making sense!"

The lyrics go on to describe these "doubting" feelings when it says, "why would I sabotage the best thing that I have?" Maybe after thinking about it we should respond to our selves "Well its easier to know exactly what I want with my hands open and my eyes open" and actually try to say alright God you don’t have to “hope” anymore, what’s the plan? My heart is open! Because its not enough or "as easy as willing it all to be right" we Gotta actually take his direction and act on it. Because we Gotta do more than "hoping its right" we have to not hope but trust, and know through real faith. For fake faith is hope.

We can no longer hope that Christianity is right, we can no longer have an attitude that hopefully Jesus was who he said he was, and more than just hope that the kingdom of God can be established here on earth. We must believe and trust and know that we are right, that Jesus is the son of God, and that the kingdom can and will come to earth as it is in heaven. The thing that distinguished the early church is not found in home churches verses mega churches, or in the style of worship, or arguably in doctrine. It is in faith.

As a whole we have become so luke warm that we are pretty sure, I mean we hope were doing the right thing... No, faith is and must be so much more than that! Read the great faith chapter in Hebrews, people did crazy things for this "religion" and the early church "shocked" the world, never before had the world seen such people that rejoiced when they suffered persecution, or sang in the jails! One last quote to close tonight from the book "world religions" by Huston smith in his section describing Christianity when he is talking about the impact of Jesus' teachings, "They were astonished, and with reason. If we are not it is because we have heard Jesus’ teachings so often that their edges have become worn and smooth, dulling their subversive ness. If we could recover their original impact, we too would be startled."

I Could Search For All Eternity Long

Here in Los Angeles my semester consists of 4 classes. One is community organization and is held every Friday the whole semester. The other three are spread into 4 or 5 week sections and meet Mondays and Wednesdays. I just recently finished "urban explorations" which dedicates each class to a different "social justice" issue, such as homelessness, education, the judicial system, prisons, sweat shops, and others. It was a heavy class and one that tends to drag you down a little and make you feel helpless against the masses of this pain that other people are faced with everyday that until now I had been mostly oblivious to. The last class is on immigration, in which we will actually travel to Mexico and see the wall from their side, as well as look up our own genealogy to see where and when our relatives immigrated here. The class I’m in at the moment however is the one I want to talk about tonight. The class I recently started is called urban religious movements and covers everything from Judaism to scientology. So far I’ve visited a Hindu temple, a Turkish orthodox cathedral, a liberal protestant church, a Buddhist meditation site, and today an Islamic mosque.

As I’ve studied these other religions with the most "objective" standpoint I could muster, I can not lie and say I have not found truth. But I have found incomplete truth. It still is difficult to write them off as wrong and "hell bound". I guess I sort of had this misconception, subconsciously, that other religions were wrong so therefore they must be satanic or of the devil. ...Which I guess they might be, I guess I cant rule that out... but never the less its become harder for me to dismiss them as sinners as quickly. I've found something that scares me, I’ve found people seeking God. In some cases as with Islam they even say they are seeking my god. And that hurts me. Its so much easier to write it off, its so easy to view them as wrong and sinful and feel a need to preach truth to them as if they had no desire for the truth already. But when I met Buddhists and Hindus and especially Muslims I found that they have been seeking it long before I came in contact with them. What do I have to offer them? They are in a sense just like me, seeking God. Sticking primarily to Muslims but including Jews as well. All three religions do not worship other gods, both of them worship the same god as Christians. And that seriously messes with me. Not in a sense that I want to convert, because unlike them I believe that God came down in the form of a man and died for our sins and that without him we cannot receive grace through any other method. But in a sense that breaks my heart, that they are seeking God possibly (and I would venture to say that they are) seeking the God, the right God, our God. But they think their way which is not morally wrong only doctrinally wrong is the right way, and don’t understand why we have to be "selfish" and say "do it our way" that’s what they really think. That we seek the same god they just do it a little different... unfortunately I do not claim to know enough to speak educated…ly about these topics but I did personally meet and talk to several Muslims as well as sit through their service today.

I was not intending to go into detail about what particularly was perplexing my mind, but instead I just wanted to say that the whole experience thus far has been tough.

One of the five pillars of Islam is the hajj, or pilgrimage to Mecca. If I was able to separate myself from the blatant differences between the religions and agree at least that they try to serve the same god (the god of Abraham) this particular pillar stuck out to me I think because of some of my recent experiences. See there are a lot of misconceptions about Islam, most grow out of ignorance or fear. Most people don’t know about the pilgrimage to Mecca and think it is about Mohamed, or that it is where god resides or at least you can feel his presence better. This is not true.

They travel to Mecca because they believe it to be the site that Abraham set up to worship, in fact part of it is related to the story found in our bible of Abraham being willing to sacrifice his son Isaac. And they even "symbolically" throw stones at satan at one point in the journey. The man I spoke to today has been 4 times to Mecca, and said this "its not about Mecca, god is not more present there than anywhere else, we don’t worship the big rock, it is true we go to seek god, but not because he is there, but because through the journey we find god right where he’s always been. right with us all along."

From this he told us that its truly powerful and life changing to realize god is with you. Ok remember we are trying to forget that these are defiantly not the same religion, but isn’t it true? Do you see the kind of truth I am finding even in other faiths? Once again not things that make me question conversion because again I believe that Jesus is God incarnate and that he died for our sins. But it does make my attitude turn less from disgust and bitterness, which is all misunderstanding, to respect and worry that they are close but not close enough.

As I have pondered these things and thoughts of traveling and searching cross my mind, God has a way of drawing my attention. I returned to LACPC the Korean American church I have been working with the youth group at here in LA. As we went into worship, we didn’t sing this song and I don’t know the last time I heard it, probably not since my days at believers chapel in Mexico NY, but its lyrics came to my mind between songs. Its a song called “in the garden” or “none like you” and ill include the full lyrics at the end but one line in particular stuck out to me. "I could search for all eternity long, and find.... there is none like You." As I began to agree and feel God's reassuring hand on me I felt so glad to know, I could go on my own hajj of sorts, I could go study Islam and Judaism as well as all religions and ultimately I have faith (which is not hope but rather trust and even fact in my heart) that I will find none like my God. Cuz in fact I have already done so. I have previously written of my experience of finding God at work when I traveled 700 miles from home to Indiana, and even after traveling 3000 miles here in LA, even in a different ethnic group that is unfamiliar to me I have found a bond among strangers. And then as if that were not enough we finished praise with better is one day... coincidence? Maybe but it was exactly what I needed. Thank you God.

IN THE GARDEN/NONE LIKE YOU MEDLEY

I come into the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses.
and the voice I hear falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses.

There is none like You, no one else can touch my heart like You do.
I could search for all eternity long, and find- there is none like You.

He speaks and the sound of His vioce, is so sweet the birds hush their singing.
And the melody that He gave to me, Within my heart is ringing.

There is none like you. No one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long, and find- there is none like You.
(none like You--ou, none like You)

And he walks with me, and He talks with me, He tells me I am His own.
And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.

There is none like You, no one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long and find- there is none like You.

I'd stay in he garden with Him, tho' the night around me be falling.
But He bids me go, thro' a voice of woe, His voice to me is calling.

There is none like You, no one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long and find- there is none like You.

Thots on Community. And Cost.

Well after reading some comments I feel ashamed for not blogging in a while. Also I feel semi obligated to spill something. Currently my lack of writing stems from my current confusion. I've been learning so much here that I can hardly process it all. I am strongly considering being done with school after this semester and trying to get my plans established instead of waiting semester after semester constantly forcing my self to sit through lectures promising my self it will be worth it some day. I also am strongly considering returning to APU next fall because they offer a sort of study abroad program in any nation I want. I would however have to return to their main campus next fall for prep classes and then take my semester abroad next spring. This of course is hampered by many things, first is my lack of desire to "waste" more time in school, but unfortunately most of all is money... Then of course I miss IWU a lot. Lately I have been desiring to have the kind of community I was introduced to in Hodson Hall. I have so far, I think, been somewhat successful in not writing too much about my struggles here on my blog, and have tried to instead make it challenging instead of depressing, but I want to share some thing I wrote about a week ago that can show you some of the struggles I deal with, and why I so strongly miss a community where I can share my burdens and feel like those that listen truly care because they share their burdens with me as well.

Demons roam this heart of mine,
They strip me of pride, and carve my insides,
The pain is something I've deserved, Something I've created
My own past is something I don't deserve to be freed of.

I wanted to use it for good, I wanted to know I had Changed.
But I don't deserve a moment of your time, Don't waste your forgiveness on me.

These things inside I don't ever expect to leave,
My insides burn with rage and compassion,
But they whisper that its all my fault,
And so the good I've sought is always blinded by guilt.

I've sought an openness, I've wished for you who knew who I was,
But I've never allowed it, I've allowed only glimpses and false hopes,
I've opened tiny windows into my false identities,
Only to slam doors shut for fear of your sight reaching deeper
And mistakenly finding the true me, a something I don't dare to say I know Myself.
I start to think I want you to know, I have even believed that I wanted to show you,
But I am beginning to believe its not worth it, so I lock away the depths of my soul.

Cowardice leads me to discard the keys, so you would never know I've been harboring these creatures.
And fear that they may harm someone else if released, outstretches my hand to finalize the thot.
And so I hope you see its for your own good, my destruction is to Protect you from myself.
But yet something, some mix of hope and faith will not release my grip,
And so the keys to my heart if looked for can be seen,
Trapped in a mess of flesh and bone at the end of my sleeve.

After posting this on a more personal site(facebook lol) a good friend of mine(anne) wrote this:

Andrew, this is a wonderful expression. I think that you and I share similar feelings. God has been working out all the junk, but we have to offer Him the keys and be willing to accept the changes He wants to do in us. I think that one of the more painful things is actually showing our brothers and sisters the "monsters" that we carry around inside us. they seem so big, but remember that in the end, when we look upon these things that wrecked so much havoc in our minds and hearts, we will laugh...is this what we were afraid of all this time??? don't destroy yourself, only put to death the misdeeds of your body. you are of great worth to me and countless others. allow God to shake things up inside you, He is patient and kind. He knows how to break down walls in such a way to bring about the best He has for you. grace, peace and truth to you my brother.

And here was my response:

Well I guess I’ll first say that this is, like you said, an expression. I usually don’t think about my self and for the most part I feel like I’m ok. But I think its ok and even good to have our "dark nights of the soul". Its not good to focus on our short comings and faults, but it draws us closer to God when we can express our broken ness to him and realize without him we are nothing. It is hard sometimes to find strength in him, and even harder to express it in words when we do find it, but there’s something real about suffering, something we all relate to. And when we realize that everyone suffers and that therefore we should have no shame in our suffering then maybe we can begin to share our "monsters" and "dark nights of the soul" and learn and help each other. And so when I’m lucky enough to capture a small idea of what that suffering looks like in my life, and then somehow find a way to express it, I will. And I hope that you and others will share with me your pains and your struggles. Whether you say a single word or not, however you express it, through song, through art, through writing two words on a piece of paper and handing to me because you cant seem to tell me in words, it doesn’t matter to me, because I have found that we are all broken and my heart continues to tear when I learn of others burdens. However I have found nothing, not money, not alcohol, not girls, not speed, nor a sweet jeep, not even worship itself as rewarding as bearing the burdens of others. And trust me I’ve tried and wished they would, because its not easy.

Just today I wrote this to my friend(Trevor) from IWU:

yeah dude, I dunno sometimes. I mean for the most part I love it out here, and am experiencing God in a way I never thought possible. But sometimes I just get so frustrated I need an outlet. and I don’t have one. growing up a loner has taught me that music can solve all my problems, you just turn it up louder than the pain can scream in your ears and louder than your thoughts can shout and get lost in the words or beat. since then I have found other things some bad like seeing how fast the car will go or how many shots it takes to become numb, but then I found even better lasting ways. I found guys that I could talk to guys that were real and shared their struggles and made me realize I was not alone. not having that here is killing me. I might be fine for days at a time but when something really burns on my heart I have no other resort it seems then to block it out.


I have been thinking a lot about community and what it means to me. I think it has become a buzz word in the younger generation just as small group, intentional, and follower of Christ not a Christian have become buzz words and phrases. But I think its so much deeper than all that, and like anything if it just remains something you think about and talk about and not something you live breath and do its just empty words. When you invest in a community and you invest in the people around you they will in turn invest and trust you. But so often we look for a good one to join, not thinking about the one we are in now, just not actively participating in. what would it look like if you really knew your neighbors? Ok first thing that popped into your head was evangelism!? right? Not what I’m talking about, in a sense it is but not in the traditional sense. So often we hear about getting our neighbors to come to church or inviting them to events. What if we just went over and hung out, or invited them to dinner with no motives? As I have been hanging around skid row for the last few Saturdays here, I’ve come to a conclusion. Most Christians that come here come to evangelize. And good its something that needs to be done. But what I’ve found through just simply walking around, and sitting around skid row with them and occasionally having the privilege to share a conversation with them, is that right off the bat they talk about religion. I even had one lady see me coming and say "hi, God, Love, Peace, Yada yada, See ya!" so fast I didn’t know what was happening. I longed to explain to her that regardless of my religion my heart breaks for her and the conditions she lives in and the possible slavery that keeps her in bondage(whether it be drugs, sex, or whatever) although I believe it is God prompting my spirit to feel that way.

I have resorted to the main part of my Saturday "ministry" just being walking around with a smile and saying a sincere hello how are you to everyone I see. I absolutely see a need for evangelism and I would hope what I am doing is still evangelism. But I lament that I don’t see the sacrifice in driving down cursing the wicked, screaming Jesus or burn and driving away. Walking around with tracks and having short conversations never to set foot on the row again is somewhat better but still I see a lack of sacrifice. It is this lack of sacrifice that I eluded to when I spoke to common ground ministries in Pulaski that last time before I left for college again. I recalled a popular worship song that sings "I’ll never know how much it costs, to see my sin upon that cross" how very sad and true. How many of us will rely on his sacrifice and grace and never experience it for our selves. What if instead singing it as sad truth that we can never know, we sang it a little bit different. What if it was more of a hopeful prayer that went something more like this "I want to know how much it costs, to see my sin upon that cross!" now we truly can never know, even if by some terrible fate we were to be crucified ourselves we still would only catch a glimpse of what Jesus went through. but maybe a glimpse is all we need. Maybe we may not particularly need to bare the cost as it is a free gift of grace. But what if we did anyways. what if we went a little above and beyond church, and made it cost. How much does your current lifestyle cost you? I told the kids in the youth group, if Sunday and Thursday nights are just a hang out and you learn nothing than what does that cost? again maybe its a free gift, I believe it is, but maybe it pleases God to give a little or even a lot for the sake of the kingdom.

In closing I’d like to share a quote from a letter Martin Luther King Jr. wrote while being imprisoned in Birmingham Alabama for his non violent protests. If you ever get to read the letter it is surely powerful and though it was written in the context of discrimination of African Americans many things and even those issues themselves still apply today. he said, "If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century."