R.I.P. Shane .... WTF!!!

Sorry about the title i dont encourage swearing and its a habit i constantly battle, but somtimes as is the case tonight its the only way i know how to express myself. This culture has made certain words even swear words so powerful that the words they replace seem feeble and dont seem to do the situation justice. So whats the situation? A good friend of mine has passed today. Good friend i have to admit is probably not the way most people would define my relationship with shane, since i havent spoken to him in months and rarely get to see him. But back while i was working at the eis house he worked with me for several years. Shane was an awesome guy. He was smart and had an awesome sense of humor and a smile that seemed to take over his whole face and was extremely contagious. when he was around you couldnt help but laugh or smile no matter how bored or fed up with work you were. And i failed him. I do not claim to know where shane rests tonight, but my religion tells me that i failed him. Not once do i believe i ever spoke to him about the loving god i had discovered, or about the son that loving god gave us as an example of how we ought to love our god back and love those around us. and for that i am sorry. i believe that god is a loving god and a god of grace, and tonight i have repeatedly begged god that whatever grace may have been granted to me, might pass to him.

when i heard of shanes death that phrase "wtf" was all i could muster the only thing that coursed through my mind, maybe its similar to the why question most people ask, but i didnt i just felt extreme anger. i hate it. then i punched the wall a couple of times and drove around and went for an hour walk before i cooled down and could think straight. and then my mind turned to those i still may have a chance to share my faith with. see i disagree with a message i heard this sunday. there was a team called team impact at our church which i greatly apreciate and can admire their conviction, but they spoke on sunday and gave us the "6" or so "steps to sharing your faith" and then preceded to pick out every verse in the bible that could scare the hell out of someone into becomeing a "christian" whatever that word means these days. see if i was to follow those steps it would not truly be me sharing my faith. because my faith does not reflect fear, my faith reflects love. and though i am an unworthy advocate it none the less is my faith. see even though this event does scare the heck out of me. it still is not reason for me to try to scare others into a fake faith. instead it makes me more detirmined to strive to follow the footsteps of christ and love others far above myself.

back when i was in LA i had this terrible feeling growing in me. one side was that somthing might happen to me while im out here and i'll never get to see my friends and family at home and in other places like alfred state and indiana. Not so much for my sake but because i began to regret not always showing them how much i cared about them and how much i appriciate them. i wanted to be there for them like for example, parkers, abbeys, and evans weddings. it isnt so much that i wanted to be there to see them get married for my own memories and enjoyment but i wanted to be there for them, for them to see me there and know i cared about themm and wished them the best of luck. and the other side, the nagging feeling in the back of my mind was what happens if i get home and someones not there? i was so terrified. honestly. and i still am, im scared that those i left in california might not be there by the time i find a way to go visit them, those i love in indiana and chicago, kentucky, new jersey, arkansas, illinois, and here in ny that i dont get to see often even though they are close. and so tonight that fear has come alive and defeated me, and grow so much larger for those remaining friends and family. and so i'd like to take a second to let you all know i love each and everyone of you and hope that i will see you again someday and maybe we can share a little bit about our philosophies on life and take time to focus on the things that really mater like eachother, and those that are suffering like shanes family and his friends that were so much closer to him then i. instead of always being concerned with other things that may range from alcohol and money to even things that are good but still absorb our time and blind us to people around us which are so much more important than tasks.

sorry for the rambling, i'll always remember you and miss you shane. godbless.



We Live By SuperChick :

There's a crossOn the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the moring he left
Would be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could she say she loved him one more time
And hold him tight
But life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?

We live, We love
We forgive and never give up
Because the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love