The jeep, and me too...

So today I decided to pay some attention to my long neglected jeep. Its funny how the way you think of something is more of how it was, or the good memories you had with it. And then when you actually get up close and dig a little deeper you see how much its fallen apart and how terrible the condition has become. As I moved some of the weeds aside that had grown up next to the jeep, I found I giant dent in the fender. Great I thought no one decided to tell me they had an accident. Then I popped the hood, and became more angry…weeds had grown up all in the engine bay, there were snake skins under the hood, and your usual cobwebs and spider webs. Oh well I thought it will need some cleaning up. So I hooked up the battery jump pack and jumped in side. I turned the key and it turned over but wouldn’t start. So then I peeked under the hood and saw that there was fuel spraying all over the engine bay. So I quit for the night. I was actually pretty angry. But then I began to wonder just what I was angry at. In the end I decided I was only angry at myself for neglecting it, and letting it get into such terrible shape. So I made a silly decision that when I get it back up and running I should leave the fender the way it is with the huge dent as a reminder to me not to neglect it. So tonight I got in a weird mood and decided to go for a run. But as I ran the cold air burned my lungs, the pain in my legs, and the pounding in my head nearly got me to stop since it has been months since the last time I ran, but I kept going, because it was far less pain to endure then looking in the mirror. Its not looking at my physical condition that makes me angry, like the dent in my jeep, but the neglect of me, myself, the inner me. I decided to come home … for … a reason…? And regardless as to what that is, and if I’ve worked on that or not, I guess running tonight was my way of telling myself that I need to shape up and not just exist here at home. I’ve been letting myself go not really physically so much as everything else. I’ve just been existing, working, eating, sleeping. I wonder where my love of running, my love of reading and teaching and discussing my beliefs, and my desire to serve has gone. Just as I wondered where the great times in my jeep, and the once brand new parts on my jeep had gone. And so I hope that this is the beginning of something better not just me relaxed at home forgetting about all the issues and problems but rather than ignoring them embracing them and trying my best to do something about them regardless if it seems feasible. Maybe it wont only be my jeep that gets woken up and restored in the next few weeks.