Thots on Community. And Cost.

Well after reading some comments I feel ashamed for not blogging in a while. Also I feel semi obligated to spill something. Currently my lack of writing stems from my current confusion. I've been learning so much here that I can hardly process it all. I am strongly considering being done with school after this semester and trying to get my plans established instead of waiting semester after semester constantly forcing my self to sit through lectures promising my self it will be worth it some day. I also am strongly considering returning to APU next fall because they offer a sort of study abroad program in any nation I want. I would however have to return to their main campus next fall for prep classes and then take my semester abroad next spring. This of course is hampered by many things, first is my lack of desire to "waste" more time in school, but unfortunately most of all is money... Then of course I miss IWU a lot. Lately I have been desiring to have the kind of community I was introduced to in Hodson Hall. I have so far, I think, been somewhat successful in not writing too much about my struggles here on my blog, and have tried to instead make it challenging instead of depressing, but I want to share some thing I wrote about a week ago that can show you some of the struggles I deal with, and why I so strongly miss a community where I can share my burdens and feel like those that listen truly care because they share their burdens with me as well.

Demons roam this heart of mine,
They strip me of pride, and carve my insides,
The pain is something I've deserved, Something I've created
My own past is something I don't deserve to be freed of.

I wanted to use it for good, I wanted to know I had Changed.
But I don't deserve a moment of your time, Don't waste your forgiveness on me.

These things inside I don't ever expect to leave,
My insides burn with rage and compassion,
But they whisper that its all my fault,
And so the good I've sought is always blinded by guilt.

I've sought an openness, I've wished for you who knew who I was,
But I've never allowed it, I've allowed only glimpses and false hopes,
I've opened tiny windows into my false identities,
Only to slam doors shut for fear of your sight reaching deeper
And mistakenly finding the true me, a something I don't dare to say I know Myself.
I start to think I want you to know, I have even believed that I wanted to show you,
But I am beginning to believe its not worth it, so I lock away the depths of my soul.

Cowardice leads me to discard the keys, so you would never know I've been harboring these creatures.
And fear that they may harm someone else if released, outstretches my hand to finalize the thot.
And so I hope you see its for your own good, my destruction is to Protect you from myself.
But yet something, some mix of hope and faith will not release my grip,
And so the keys to my heart if looked for can be seen,
Trapped in a mess of flesh and bone at the end of my sleeve.

After posting this on a more personal site(facebook lol) a good friend of mine(anne) wrote this:

Andrew, this is a wonderful expression. I think that you and I share similar feelings. God has been working out all the junk, but we have to offer Him the keys and be willing to accept the changes He wants to do in us. I think that one of the more painful things is actually showing our brothers and sisters the "monsters" that we carry around inside us. they seem so big, but remember that in the end, when we look upon these things that wrecked so much havoc in our minds and hearts, we will laugh...is this what we were afraid of all this time??? don't destroy yourself, only put to death the misdeeds of your body. you are of great worth to me and countless others. allow God to shake things up inside you, He is patient and kind. He knows how to break down walls in such a way to bring about the best He has for you. grace, peace and truth to you my brother.

And here was my response:

Well I guess I’ll first say that this is, like you said, an expression. I usually don’t think about my self and for the most part I feel like I’m ok. But I think its ok and even good to have our "dark nights of the soul". Its not good to focus on our short comings and faults, but it draws us closer to God when we can express our broken ness to him and realize without him we are nothing. It is hard sometimes to find strength in him, and even harder to express it in words when we do find it, but there’s something real about suffering, something we all relate to. And when we realize that everyone suffers and that therefore we should have no shame in our suffering then maybe we can begin to share our "monsters" and "dark nights of the soul" and learn and help each other. And so when I’m lucky enough to capture a small idea of what that suffering looks like in my life, and then somehow find a way to express it, I will. And I hope that you and others will share with me your pains and your struggles. Whether you say a single word or not, however you express it, through song, through art, through writing two words on a piece of paper and handing to me because you cant seem to tell me in words, it doesn’t matter to me, because I have found that we are all broken and my heart continues to tear when I learn of others burdens. However I have found nothing, not money, not alcohol, not girls, not speed, nor a sweet jeep, not even worship itself as rewarding as bearing the burdens of others. And trust me I’ve tried and wished they would, because its not easy.

Just today I wrote this to my friend(Trevor) from IWU:

yeah dude, I dunno sometimes. I mean for the most part I love it out here, and am experiencing God in a way I never thought possible. But sometimes I just get so frustrated I need an outlet. and I don’t have one. growing up a loner has taught me that music can solve all my problems, you just turn it up louder than the pain can scream in your ears and louder than your thoughts can shout and get lost in the words or beat. since then I have found other things some bad like seeing how fast the car will go or how many shots it takes to become numb, but then I found even better lasting ways. I found guys that I could talk to guys that were real and shared their struggles and made me realize I was not alone. not having that here is killing me. I might be fine for days at a time but when something really burns on my heart I have no other resort it seems then to block it out.


I have been thinking a lot about community and what it means to me. I think it has become a buzz word in the younger generation just as small group, intentional, and follower of Christ not a Christian have become buzz words and phrases. But I think its so much deeper than all that, and like anything if it just remains something you think about and talk about and not something you live breath and do its just empty words. When you invest in a community and you invest in the people around you they will in turn invest and trust you. But so often we look for a good one to join, not thinking about the one we are in now, just not actively participating in. what would it look like if you really knew your neighbors? Ok first thing that popped into your head was evangelism!? right? Not what I’m talking about, in a sense it is but not in the traditional sense. So often we hear about getting our neighbors to come to church or inviting them to events. What if we just went over and hung out, or invited them to dinner with no motives? As I have been hanging around skid row for the last few Saturdays here, I’ve come to a conclusion. Most Christians that come here come to evangelize. And good its something that needs to be done. But what I’ve found through just simply walking around, and sitting around skid row with them and occasionally having the privilege to share a conversation with them, is that right off the bat they talk about religion. I even had one lady see me coming and say "hi, God, Love, Peace, Yada yada, See ya!" so fast I didn’t know what was happening. I longed to explain to her that regardless of my religion my heart breaks for her and the conditions she lives in and the possible slavery that keeps her in bondage(whether it be drugs, sex, or whatever) although I believe it is God prompting my spirit to feel that way.

I have resorted to the main part of my Saturday "ministry" just being walking around with a smile and saying a sincere hello how are you to everyone I see. I absolutely see a need for evangelism and I would hope what I am doing is still evangelism. But I lament that I don’t see the sacrifice in driving down cursing the wicked, screaming Jesus or burn and driving away. Walking around with tracks and having short conversations never to set foot on the row again is somewhat better but still I see a lack of sacrifice. It is this lack of sacrifice that I eluded to when I spoke to common ground ministries in Pulaski that last time before I left for college again. I recalled a popular worship song that sings "I’ll never know how much it costs, to see my sin upon that cross" how very sad and true. How many of us will rely on his sacrifice and grace and never experience it for our selves. What if instead singing it as sad truth that we can never know, we sang it a little bit different. What if it was more of a hopeful prayer that went something more like this "I want to know how much it costs, to see my sin upon that cross!" now we truly can never know, even if by some terrible fate we were to be crucified ourselves we still would only catch a glimpse of what Jesus went through. but maybe a glimpse is all we need. Maybe we may not particularly need to bare the cost as it is a free gift of grace. But what if we did anyways. what if we went a little above and beyond church, and made it cost. How much does your current lifestyle cost you? I told the kids in the youth group, if Sunday and Thursday nights are just a hang out and you learn nothing than what does that cost? again maybe its a free gift, I believe it is, but maybe it pleases God to give a little or even a lot for the sake of the kingdom.

In closing I’d like to share a quote from a letter Martin Luther King Jr. wrote while being imprisoned in Birmingham Alabama for his non violent protests. If you ever get to read the letter it is surely powerful and though it was written in the context of discrimination of African Americans many things and even those issues themselves still apply today. he said, "If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century."