To Whom It May Concern... I'm Sorry.

To whom it may concern,

To Patty
To Angela
To Pat and Colleen Lucerello
To David Stoughtenger
To Manny Josebena
To David Ziggler
To Nathan Richardson
To Greg Dakin
To God
I’m Sorry.

Sincerely Yours,
Andrew Riccadonna

I don’t know if you ever specifically sat me down and tried to tell me, but I knew what you stood for, I saw the actions of your life, and more specifically your ministry, I’m sure you said it a million different ways between all of you, but I never got it. I never was strong enough to become unselfish enough to care. I never realized what you were trying to tell me till long after you said it. I remember things we did, I recall the first time I heard about the good Samaritan in patty’s sermon, I remember serving food in the rescue mission with Angela, and sadly being disappointed that we couldn’t do our skit instead of happy that we got to serve. I don’t remember who I was with when I went to my first youth conference, I’m pretty sure the Lucerello’s were their maybe even Dave Stoughtenger, but I do remember giving the homeless man in our parking garage a sleeping bag and lots of food. I remember events with Dave and later Nathan, trips to Toronto to live like the homeless that I was too busy to go on, bran bash of course, care and share, trips around Pulaski to clean up garbage, and Dave Ziggler always pushing us to do more on our own, but being too busy. I remember so many people God burdened my heart with, that I simply walked away from. I thought I was beginning to understand, I thought I had a good enough idea of religion to get by. But in the words of Scotty “I fail”.

This isn’t just about the city, and the homeless and needy. This isn’t all stemming from my courses here in L.A. But being here has certainly sparked thot.

As of late the idea that God is a BIG God has finally permeated my cute little religion. Don’t get me wrong I still think God has been changing me and making me better through my first year at IWU, which I see as a moral turning point in my life. But this past summer as I dove deeper, and relied on God he showed himself to me, all though trust me I DID NOT DESERVE IT. As I worked with the youth deeper this past summer, I don’t feel like I had much to say or did all that much, but I was changed. Its like what people always say about mission trips “I went to teach them, and they taught me!” I feel like God taught me more about myself, himself, and our relationship then I could have ever taught the youth. But as I left the summer behind and settled into comfortable college life, I found the need to fulfill my practicum at a local church. I was skeptical, was this summer just one of those spiritual “high’s”, just a phase? Was church just going to be church as it had been before? But as soon as I started at Lakeview, I found God. Not like a personal kind of thing I just mean I found him there at work long before I got there, he was already firmly established. I guess I’m sorry to say I was shocked really. Not that I doubted he would be really, just so happy he was. The same God that had become real to me that summer, was alive and working 700 miles away. In fact he was plenty busy the whole time I thot he was busy with me and with little old Pulaski. But the effect faded and winter break came and again I wondered… “Why was I going to L.A., I don’t know anything about it. Should I even go, what’s the purpose? Maybe I should just go back to business and forget the whole thing.” But the first full day in L.A. I spent in an all Korean Church and even sat through a service completely in Korean with absolutely no English. I was the only white person I saw all day, and yet something was familiar. Do you understand how sobering it is to find yourself thousands of miles from home, not knowing a single person for thousands of miles around except a guy you met last night, being the only white person, being in the minority of people that speak English, and yet finding God so alive, so at work, so full of power, so there for you, Showing you himself, Begging you to realize he is with you where ever you go, displaying the fact that he’s there whether you choose to be or not? I don’t know why maybe I’ve just been so blind. Maybe its been punching me in the face all this time and I’ve just started to realize it hurts, and that I’m bleeding. Have I been asleep? Where is my self contained, safe religion that guarantees me salvation and that God will grant my every wish if I believe in him? Gone, so gone, and I beg myself to never let it grow inside me again.

God I praise you that you are all I need. You guarantee me nothing. I have finally realized that dying to myself and following Christ does not even assure my safety, let alone happiness. God show me you, I have asked before when I was blind, now let me truly see you, not just here not in this foreign place although I hope to be used by you while I am here, but let me see my God in my home. Let me see your vision for my life, which I have this aching feeling involves little old New York. I am reminded of a pastors response today to the question “How do you thrive in such a dark, dirty city?”, his response was that if you look hard enough you are going to see what you look for. God help me not just to look, but to look specifically and see what you see. For I take hope in what I read today that “we can look at any place in London or Chicago as sacred because God is present and at work there”, and I believe the places are interchangeable with anyplace we need to substitute. God help me to see these “dirty” places as sacred, and help me to “thrive in such a dark” ness. And mostly God help this not be an empty prayer, but the true burden of my heart.