Individualism

Individualism seems to come up often these days and it came up in debate today in class. We were talking about education and the differences between public, private, home, charter, magnet, ect. schools. One thing an article we had to read in preparation for class said was that often times the model or even purpose of public education is to generate a group of people that are "similar", the author obviously had some feeling behind what he was saying because at one point he argued that public school are designed to "render the populace manageable". Although i understand his arguments were a bit fervent, he makes a point i agree with. We are in a sense stripped of our personality and differences in order to maintain order in school, and to mold us into "model citizens". Certain qualities are promoted and rewarded and others are made fun of and even punished. I think that no matter how you look at it or how big of a problem you think it is I think you would have to agree that to some degree this is true.

I began to realize today that i feel like there is a huge correlation between suppressing differences and uniqueness in the school system and the surge in our society becoming more and more individualistic. I think its the same problem as evangelism, if you go around telling people their going to hell and they are terrible people they tend to not be very accepting of your message, and in fact it may drive them to be more "sinful". In the same way if you force a kid to be something he's not, or force them to study something that doesn't interest them of course they are going to rebel. Is it any wonder the "goth" scene is so popular? If the only way you can express that you are not some cookie cutter person, that is a product of whats on the next test, is to alter the way you dress, or to Peirce or tattoo yourself, or even to extremes of hurting yourself then of course people are going to do it.

I say this because this was the way i grew up. I felt pushed dragged trapped, what ever word you want to use, through the system. I hated school, it wasn't that i was lazy or stupid i just wasn't interested in learning how to regurgitate facts onto an exam. This isn't to say i didn't want to learn. Anyways these types of oppressive methods never end up working in the long run.

The first oppressive system i encountered was Christianity. I would later learn that to describe the whole of Christianity this way was wrong, but the Christianity my church and specifically my mother introduced me too certainly was oppressive. I believe in disciplining and protecting your children, but i grew up very sheltered although i never agreed with my mother i was taught that certain things like "non christian" music, movies over g rated, girls, and Halloween were evil. I was never even allowed to attend school on the day of Halloween, let alone go trick or treating. When i was in 6Th grade i walked a friend from my neighborhood home after school, a girl, and my mom was very angry and i got into a lot of trouble, the next day when i happened to be late coming home from school for a completely unrelated reason my mother called the police and had them search her house for me. So naturally when i got old enough and got my car i stopped attending church as regularly, and i got away from my mothers control as often as possible. School was certainly the other major oppressor i felt growing up, i did not feel like anything i was taught was genuine, the teachers just want you to pass the tests and get good grades if you cant do that they don't care about you. there obviously were exceptions. so i did things like the BOCES program where i could go learn a trade instead of sit in class, i skipped school, i decided to stop doing home work, and i dreamed of the day i would be free and wouldn't have to go anymore. I wasn't the slacker i was labeled as, i had a job i would work more than the legal limit at, i was involved in hobbies like bmx and later my cars. But once a label is assigned its near impossible to get rid of. On the other hand this wasn't always how it was, i did try to conform to school "ways" when i was younger i was on the honor roll, i was in chorus, i was recommended for advanced placement classes. But as i got older, and sicker of being forced to do things a certain way the less interested i began in pleasing people, because people were never satisfied and i found that people were not sincere in their interest in you. The next was sports, i enjoyed basketball and base ball on the elementary level and did things like basketball camp. But as i got older and began to see and feel the effects of the "politics" that go on in high school sports, i got out as fast as i could. The rich kids or the kids who had parents on the school board or that were teachers and coaches got to play, and the kids with out the hook ups sat the bench regardless of skill. Don't mistake this for being disgruntled, i don't think i had a lot if any talent but i was taught that its the fun of the game to play and i really lost sight of the fun the older i got. Instead of these good things to pursue i sought out anything else, anything that might be real. Genuineity was something i desired and i didn't find it anywhere i looked. I began to search it out in the "druggie scene" these kids might not be doing what is "right" but at least the didn't lie about it. They were honest, and though they offered they respected me if i declined to "drink" or "smoke". which i did. This led to hanging out with the more "street kids" which usually involved violence or at least anger. I also began to dress in the stereotypical "all black" i dyed my hair, i pierced my ear, i spiked my hair, i wore baggy pants, i wore chains, i carried a knife at all times. I did anything to make sure people under stood, i am not like you i don't want to be like you and i don't want anything to do with you. I was so angry at everyone, i hated everyone. I look back now at "lyrics" or poems i wrote and am sometimes shocked or at least reminded of the anger. this all led to a boiling point in January of 2004 when i let violence become my answer. fed up with the ridicule of some of my so called "friends" i attacked one kid in boces and later that day went home and never returned to that high school. The next few years would be a time where i began to find some healing and began to establish my self with things i thought i might want to be associated with. But though i might have put up a good front it would be a lie to say that i was completely decided or "OK" until even recently. Going to Pulaski high school, going to Pulaski Wesleyan, having people like Dave Ziggler and Brandi Phillips and Shane Learned and Rob Hellinger in my life, giving Christianity a second chance, failing at more options like the drinking scene and being independent certainly helped but did not bring healing or direction in itself. My "individualism" which i usually refer to as a "problem with authority" is still something i can struggle with, but as i have begin to look deeper and watch closer i have found a genuineity in Christianity in the people close to me. But this decision to become a "true" christian, or follow Christ could not have come from someone Else's coercion. It takes a decision with in your self, to actually seek to check out faith for your self, not what others are doing, saying or even failing at, but what faith is really all about, to see that it is a truth worth holding on to, and it has become something i will proudly identify myself with, and let its values run my life without resistance to its authority.

sorry if this was random and didn't really fit together or have a point... I'm open to opposition.