R.I.P. Shane .... WTF!!!

Sorry about the title i dont encourage swearing and its a habit i constantly battle, but somtimes as is the case tonight its the only way i know how to express myself. This culture has made certain words even swear words so powerful that the words they replace seem feeble and dont seem to do the situation justice. So whats the situation? A good friend of mine has passed today. Good friend i have to admit is probably not the way most people would define my relationship with shane, since i havent spoken to him in months and rarely get to see him. But back while i was working at the eis house he worked with me for several years. Shane was an awesome guy. He was smart and had an awesome sense of humor and a smile that seemed to take over his whole face and was extremely contagious. when he was around you couldnt help but laugh or smile no matter how bored or fed up with work you were. And i failed him. I do not claim to know where shane rests tonight, but my religion tells me that i failed him. Not once do i believe i ever spoke to him about the loving god i had discovered, or about the son that loving god gave us as an example of how we ought to love our god back and love those around us. and for that i am sorry. i believe that god is a loving god and a god of grace, and tonight i have repeatedly begged god that whatever grace may have been granted to me, might pass to him.

when i heard of shanes death that phrase "wtf" was all i could muster the only thing that coursed through my mind, maybe its similar to the why question most people ask, but i didnt i just felt extreme anger. i hate it. then i punched the wall a couple of times and drove around and went for an hour walk before i cooled down and could think straight. and then my mind turned to those i still may have a chance to share my faith with. see i disagree with a message i heard this sunday. there was a team called team impact at our church which i greatly apreciate and can admire their conviction, but they spoke on sunday and gave us the "6" or so "steps to sharing your faith" and then preceded to pick out every verse in the bible that could scare the hell out of someone into becomeing a "christian" whatever that word means these days. see if i was to follow those steps it would not truly be me sharing my faith. because my faith does not reflect fear, my faith reflects love. and though i am an unworthy advocate it none the less is my faith. see even though this event does scare the heck out of me. it still is not reason for me to try to scare others into a fake faith. instead it makes me more detirmined to strive to follow the footsteps of christ and love others far above myself.

back when i was in LA i had this terrible feeling growing in me. one side was that somthing might happen to me while im out here and i'll never get to see my friends and family at home and in other places like alfred state and indiana. Not so much for my sake but because i began to regret not always showing them how much i cared about them and how much i appriciate them. i wanted to be there for them like for example, parkers, abbeys, and evans weddings. it isnt so much that i wanted to be there to see them get married for my own memories and enjoyment but i wanted to be there for them, for them to see me there and know i cared about themm and wished them the best of luck. and the other side, the nagging feeling in the back of my mind was what happens if i get home and someones not there? i was so terrified. honestly. and i still am, im scared that those i left in california might not be there by the time i find a way to go visit them, those i love in indiana and chicago, kentucky, new jersey, arkansas, illinois, and here in ny that i dont get to see often even though they are close. and so tonight that fear has come alive and defeated me, and grow so much larger for those remaining friends and family. and so i'd like to take a second to let you all know i love each and everyone of you and hope that i will see you again someday and maybe we can share a little bit about our philosophies on life and take time to focus on the things that really mater like eachother, and those that are suffering like shanes family and his friends that were so much closer to him then i. instead of always being concerned with other things that may range from alcohol and money to even things that are good but still absorb our time and blind us to people around us which are so much more important than tasks.

sorry for the rambling, i'll always remember you and miss you shane. godbless.



We Live By SuperChick :

There's a crossOn the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the moring he left
Would be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could she say she loved him one more time
And hold him tight
But life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?

We live, We love
We forgive and never give up
Because the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

The jeep, and me too...

So today I decided to pay some attention to my long neglected jeep. Its funny how the way you think of something is more of how it was, or the good memories you had with it. And then when you actually get up close and dig a little deeper you see how much its fallen apart and how terrible the condition has become. As I moved some of the weeds aside that had grown up next to the jeep, I found I giant dent in the fender. Great I thought no one decided to tell me they had an accident. Then I popped the hood, and became more angry…weeds had grown up all in the engine bay, there were snake skins under the hood, and your usual cobwebs and spider webs. Oh well I thought it will need some cleaning up. So I hooked up the battery jump pack and jumped in side. I turned the key and it turned over but wouldn’t start. So then I peeked under the hood and saw that there was fuel spraying all over the engine bay. So I quit for the night. I was actually pretty angry. But then I began to wonder just what I was angry at. In the end I decided I was only angry at myself for neglecting it, and letting it get into such terrible shape. So I made a silly decision that when I get it back up and running I should leave the fender the way it is with the huge dent as a reminder to me not to neglect it. So tonight I got in a weird mood and decided to go for a run. But as I ran the cold air burned my lungs, the pain in my legs, and the pounding in my head nearly got me to stop since it has been months since the last time I ran, but I kept going, because it was far less pain to endure then looking in the mirror. Its not looking at my physical condition that makes me angry, like the dent in my jeep, but the neglect of me, myself, the inner me. I decided to come home … for … a reason…? And regardless as to what that is, and if I’ve worked on that or not, I guess running tonight was my way of telling myself that I need to shape up and not just exist here at home. I’ve been letting myself go not really physically so much as everything else. I’ve just been existing, working, eating, sleeping. I wonder where my love of running, my love of reading and teaching and discussing my beliefs, and my desire to serve has gone. Just as I wondered where the great times in my jeep, and the once brand new parts on my jeep had gone. And so I hope that this is the beginning of something better not just me relaxed at home forgetting about all the issues and problems but rather than ignoring them embracing them and trying my best to do something about them regardless if it seems feasible. Maybe it wont only be my jeep that gets woken up and restored in the next few weeks.

Writers Cramp

This pad of paper has sat untouched for too long, I have neglected it for too long. I have not written my thots and heart on it for far too long. And yet as if it detects the writers stroke as non-existent and as if it has a will of it own to be dressed, to be altered, it grows dust and attracts particles to cover itself. It begins to let itself decay, for at least if it’s a fading color, that is some form of color in itself. It may not be what it wishes for. It might not be the result of its most desirable dreams, or even its own attainable potential but it is … something. It is enough to know that it still wills, and still exists. Even if it could be discovered that its existence is just a game, and all along someone has been pulling the strings, the strings still seem to follow its intentions for now. At least there is some control. It hurts me to know that in better hands it could have been transformed into beautiful art. In other hands it might have had the most beautiful of words written upon it. And even in its most terrible destruction, the fire that consumed it might have given some warmth or shed some light to some other thing. But since these uses, so attainable, so probable, so right, are denied, and denied, and denied again. I have found it to be the case that the longer it is denied or the longer it avoids its purpose the more damaged and disgusting it becomes. But the paper knows no better. It is afraid that if it is transformed into some beautiful art that it will lose what it used to be. For others will not see it as a mere piece of paper that has become something better. Others will only see the new beautiful work and praise it for what it now is. Not who it was and still is. The only difference being that it knows. It remembers what it was before it was redone, knowing it cannot be undone. Destroyed but not undone. And what worth is it to have beautiful words written over top of it. So that others read them, those outside things, and never see what it is. Never see it’s true identity, only browse of its most noticeable attributes. And then it thinks that though it may seem unproductive and even extremely destructive and it may appear as though it has even become overcome with some sort of lack of self worth, it may conclude that its best option is that of terrible destruction. For it is not some suicidal diseased mind that makes it want to destroy itself but rather it sees the beauty, the good, the possibility of helping someone else that would cause it to be at peace with his destruction. The basis for this thot trapped in the truth that the greatest act of love is to lay down his life for a friend. But he is not at peace with this seemingly final solution. And so he sits blank and unobserved. And through some will of his own to be dressed, to be altered, he grows dust and attracts particles to cover himself. I begin to let myself decay for at least my fading color is some form of color in itself. It may not be what I wish for. It might not be the result of my most desirable dreams, or even my own attainable potential but it is something. It is enough to know that I still will. I still exist, and even if I could discover that existence is just a game, and all along someone has been pulling the strings, the strings still seem to follow my intentions for now. At least there is some delusion of control.

Handlebars and Regrets

Handlebars - by Flobots

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
I can keep rhythm with no metronome
I can see your face on the telephone
I can lead a nation with a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
I can guide a missile by satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
I can ride my bike with no handlebars


Its pretty obvious what the artist was going for when he wrote the song. It starts innocent but just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should. I’ve been thinking a lot lately which might be obvious by the fact that I just dropped out of college for this semester, or possibly indefinitely…, I know it seems lame but I’ve really been trying to figure out who I am. I am that kid that never sits still, I’m all over the place. In the last year I’ve been coast to coast on this continent, I’ve been to Europe, I lived in Los Angeles for 4 months, and in new jersey for 3months. But am I really just a person who loves adventure and travel? Or is it all a good excuse, a cover for the truth I’m not really trying to hide just avoiding since I don’t really know it myself. I’ve thought a lot about dreams and goals and stuff like that. And I’ve realized I don’t really have any. Most people, I think, if you asked them what they would want to be or do if they could be or do anything probably have an answer. Some are even dedicated to trying to become those things. I have nothing. My goal is to be not what I am. Not really anything in particular just something different. I’ve been trying to think of why that is, and I’ve been remembering a lot of things that happened that made me not want to be who I am. I walked my street where I grew up where my parents still live and I’m currently staying at. It’s the first time I really walked it in a long time. I’ve gone for runs around the block driven up and down it and all, but I was in one of my “deep thot” moods and was trying to remember what it was like when I lived here, like when I was a kid and this was my home home.

I remembered the neighbor across the street wouldn’t answer the door if we went over there for any reason like to sell candy bars when we were kids or whatever other reason.
I remember the next door neighbor wouldn’t speak to us and would purposely snub us.
I remember the other neighbors would complain because we let our grass grow too long and our yard wasn’t landscaped like theirs.
I remember our friend down the street that would play with us but in school she would pretend she didn’t know us, and her parents said we were destructive and disorderly.
I remember the other neighbor yelling at me and threatening to file charges or destruction of property when I peeled some of the bark off of her birch tree.
I remember some guy down the street stopping to tell us something I cant remember but saying something at the end like “I know how it is, my parents didn’t have money when I was young either” as if to somehow be in solidarity with me.
I remember being the only house on the street with a dirt driveway full of holes which were usually mud puddles.
I remember being poor and hating it.
I remember swearing to myself that I would never be like my parents,
I remember planning my escape, plotting to run away, counting down to things like getting my license or turning 18.
I remember hating school because all the kids picked on me and I found nothing but shallow friendship that ended when the other, cooler, kids were around.
I remember being mocked and called gay cuz I wasn’t as perverted and didn’t date as much as the other guys.
I remember the breaking point where I elbowed one kid in the face and then began punching him, and then that night vowing never to return to school.
I remember the countless days and nights of crying and making promises to myself that I’d get out that I’d go somewhere where no one knew me and start over.


And then I did I ran to Pulaski.
And then I ran to college.
And then I ran to my own apartment and alcohol.
And then I ran to Indiana.
And then I ran to a girl.
And then I ran back to Indiana.
Then I ran to LA.
Then I ran to NJ, to kill time before I could run back to Cali.
And now though I knew it was one last run I have run home, I have decided to attempt to deal with the lie I call myself. Not that I’m completely this totally fake person but anything less than the honest truth has to be a lie. And so I submit of few of my own lyrics to the song that aren’t necessarily bad, but again just because we can do something, doesn’t mean we should.


I can ride my bike with no handlebars.
I can drown out my thots with loud music.
I can drive my car faster than is intelligent.

I can move to Pulaski to escape my problems.
But lose contact with the few friends I had.
And not even go to my best friends fathers funeral.

I can work overtime at the Eis House.
But lose all the best weekends with friends,
and not go to dinner at my girl friends
grandmothers house who later died of cancer.

I can leave Alfred to escape the pain.
But abandon Mike, Bryan, and Wilson in the process.

I can drink away the memories.
But lose a part of my self and my reputation.

I can cheat on my girlfriend and run away to Indiana to avoid telling her.
But hurt someone so close to me, just to be with a girl who will throw me away.

I can find god in a sermon.
Just to throw away friends by becoming judgmental.

I can continue going to school in Indiana.
But lose contact with even more friends at home,
and become more distant from my family.

I can rock crawl in the badlands.
But I’d rather splash through mud puddles in happy valley with my friends.

I can travel to California for bragging rights.
And leave all my IWU friends, and forget my sister dorm.

I can become enlightened through a course I took for the wrong reasons.
But feel distant from my friends at home who think differently.

I can go for a run.
But its not the same with out my running buddy.

I can ride the bus or metro.
But its not the same without Kendra.

I can chill on top of rooftops in warm Los Angeles.
But I’d rather be in cold parking lots at home with the people I love.

I can walk the boardwalks in Santa Monica.
But I’d rather watch sunsets at Selkirk.

I can cruise down pacific coast highway.
But I’d rather race rob down 41.


I could move to New Jersey and inherit my grandfathers business.
But id rather struggle to create my own dreams and just to survive
here in New York if it means I can be with my friends and family that I love.


Heck I could take classes in Azusa and travel to south America. I could live in a beautiful apartment, with great people. And I could love it so much. I can wear my aviators and dress shirts and eat at “in and outs”, but I don’t think I would be being true to myself. I don’t think I can continue putting my friendships at home and now abroad at risk by living a life of doing what I want to do. I don’t think I can stand having a thousand shallow relationships and a million stories no one was there to remember with me, but having no one close enough to tell my secrets to, and no one to really care or understand me.


And I can run back to New York, where maybe I should have stayed all along to repair what’s left of fading relationships. But now I’ve made so many other friends and found so many people I care about in so many different places, that no matter which place I choose I leave behind someone that matters to me.


And I can do what I feel like I have to,
but leave you behind without even knowing if you feel the same as I do,
and still miss you regardless.


And of course I can ride my bike with no handle bars.

I Miss You, I'm Sorry.

Lately I’ve been mostly lost and disappointed. I haven’t felt much of an urge to write, because I haven’t felt much of anything lately. But this blog is sort of where I’ve been the last while and a sort of collage of my thots that though may have been written never made it here to this blog. A couple things have happened between LA and now. I was in Europe for two weeks and during a Sunday morning “meeting” where our professor lead us in a “service” in a garden in Berlin I was reminded strongly of things I had felt and learned in LA and then he read us a prayer of saint Francis of Assisi:


May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers,
half truths and superficial relationships so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that you may wish for justice, freedom, and peace.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world,
so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.


That set me ablaze again for returning to LA, doing ministry, being like Shane Claiborne, what ever you want to call it. But then the rest of the trip went by, and soon I found my self back in the states and though I remembered the prayer I had lost the burning. Then one night at youth group something broke I began to scribble the thots on a hand out instead of listening to Adam preach, we sang the song “your grace is enough” and this was a few days after I got the chance and finally decided to return to APU. This is what I scribbled down:

Your grace is enough…
Why is it that I am so easily distracted? Not by anything particularly bad, just stuff. I am just so easily amused… But then as soon as I see you(God), whether it is in youth group during worship, or in the faces of the migrants in Mexico, or in the shouts in a march for justice, in the voices of my comrades, in the understanding of those that have experienced what I have, I just feel you. I remember. And I am beyond satisfied. I am cured of the itch for new things, I am cured of lust, I am cured of everything and in that moment its worth it. I promise you: “I will do what ever you lead me to do, as long as I find those moments, as long as I find you, and even if I don’t I will strive with every last breath to get over the mountain top to see your face again because I know that those who seek you always find you, and that your grace truly is enough.”

And then I decided to move to New Jersey to work for my grandfather… I got to go to a pretty amazing multiracial church there and felt so at home again. I miss that so much about LA. I was reminded again of my fellow LA termites, and missed them a lot when the pastor spoke on acts 4. The people in this chapter that had put Peter and John on trial were so struck with the fact that they were so confident and so sure of themselves and then realized that these were laymen with no training in scripture or formal education. They couldn’t say anything against them. And then, and this is what struck me, is that they had to take note that truly these men had been with Jesus. See there’s something about Jesus that changes you. And people can see it. I’ve seen it in my comrades in LA, I’ve seen it in the eyes of my friends at home. And as I remember all of the times I’ve seen it in each one of them, each one of you reading this, first I nearly cry... honestly…, and then I must truly take note that you have surely been with Jesus, there’s no other reason for your actions. But still I miss my friends from LA, because we’ve been through so much together, we’ve been through those moments together where we’ll never forget seeing Jesus in each other, and sometimes I feel like the thots I try to relay to others that were not there don’t have validity, like my thots and feelings are my own against an entire world of non understanding ness. But still I want those at home to realize how much I literally crave their company, how much pain their absence causes me, and how I so wish to let them be a part of my mind and thots. How hard it is to leave them all, when all I want is to sit around fires, sit on beaches, stand in parking lots, stay up late and just be with them, be with you. But as the song I sang in church this morning says, “Your all I want, your all I ever needed, I’ll lay it all down again, just to hear that I’m your friend.”


And I’m sorry but he has become all I want. His grace has proven to be more than enough. God has blessed me with enough foolishness to believe that I can make a difference in this world,
so that I can do what others claim cannot be done. And though I feel so sad, that I have let you all down, that I continually leave your company. Like I’ve lost so much. I will lay it all down again just to hear him say that I’m his friend. And this does not mean I wish to do it alone. I wish others would feel this way as well, or have the courage to admit that they do, and rid themselves of the fears of not succeeding in this game of life our society has dreamed up for itself and forced us to try to live up to. Because I myself am so afraid, and I desire one, just one, to come along side me. Because as Martin Luther King Jr. said its not being unafraid that makes you strong or makes you brave, its having the courage to go on even though you are terrified.

Governments should be afraid of their People

I know not how my words are of any use anymore. I know not how I can be of service or even of use to anyone. I know not how this world can change and how it can truly be better for everyone. But maybe that’s ok.

I've come to a place where I must wonder why I continue. If not I would not be human. I have become desperate. I have seen all this pain and yet if it were not for the very privilege I now find that I despise, how would I know of it? I have come to wonder what it is we strive for. But perhaps there is not a goal to struggle to achieve, except to embrace the goal of struggle itself.

I find myself surrounded by those that also have become weary. But in their weakened state they have found this "righteous anger" which burns for change. This burden for mankind has become entangled in their rage against those that oppress. They talk of policy and of a utopian society where all struggle is eliminated. Where all people can have... Have what? What are we seeking?

I would love for this country to embrace "Christian" values. I would love for us to vote in a good "real" Christian president. I would love for all our laws to be just. But is that the point? All good and well but is it intended to be first on our agenda? We speak of Jesus and his goals as political campaigns. Jesus the politician... Bullshit. Jesus never came to change the law of the Romans. Jesus never came to free the Jews from roman rule. Jesus said give to Caesar what is Caesars. Yes Jesus shook up his nation and people. Yes Jesus did have a "social justice" agenda. But not in the way we argue in our activist mindsets.

Jesus did everything in Love. Jesus changed things not by attacking people and saying your wrong but doing things so right, so perfect that people could no longer do things the way they previously did.

There was a story brought up in my class about how there were some migrants coming over the border and out of need for water they would go into backyards and drink from hoses in Texas communities. And so homeowners began to build fences to keep out the unwanted guests. So often church and state become so mixed and law seems so good to us Christians that we are able to justify the response as protecting ourselves, "we don't know them, they could be dangerous", and saying "well they are breaking the law" "they deserve it". What if instead of all this the church in that community had preached a message of loving our neighbors? What if pastors had the boldness to preach "the sheep and the goats story" "where God was thirsty and we gave him nothing to drink" despite their congregants unwillingness to hear it? Or maybe the members didn’t even know and needed that little push from the pulpit to get out there and do it. What would it look like if the church superseded law?

If we look at the African American struggle for justice we see a huge involvement from, not the whole church but, the African American church and some other churches that were willing to "stand up and be counted". Many times pastors such as Martin Luther King Jr. broke the law. Unjust laws.

This is because we are not first citizens of the US, we are citizens of "God's kingdom here on earth" first and secondly citizens of this nation. While we still have a duty as a citizen of this nation to vote accordingly for justice issues and work to bring them to the public spotlight, our primary goal is to emulate the love Jesus demonstrated here on earth.

I love the quote from the movie V for Vendetta that says, "People should not be afraid of their Governments, Governments should be afraid of their People." Jesus may never have had the direct intention of changing roman law, but through loving others and setting an example people couldn’t help but to copy, He started a revolution in which He and those that followed Him no longer feared their Government, But instead His government feared Him and His following, so much indeed that they would crucify, the highest punishment, a "peasant", a "homeless man", a technically powerless and wealth less man.

Again as citizens of this nation we are responsible to help guide it through policy and such, but what would it look like if instead of that our actions would speak so loud that our government would have no choice but to go along with us. (I'm sorry that the topic of immigration is my main example but it has become close to my heart) What if, for example, instead of building walls to exclude those who were breaking the law, and protect our selves we went down and handed out water to those who are thirsty, or fed those that are hungry?

Isn’t this against the law? Wouldn’t we be aiding and abetting a criminal? Heck nowadays this is a matter of "national security" we may be labeled a terrorist. But what if instead of fearing a government, or not even fearing but just standing silent in order to maintain status quo and protect "our" freedom, we obeyed God's commandments first? What would the government do if the entire church went down to help those in need, or began caring for those that are here, or Christians began giving jobs to those that need work to feed their families? What if at least 3/4s of our nation, us "Christians" cared for the alien among us.(Deuteronomy 10:17-19, 14:19)? The tide would shift to where instead of culture infecting church, God's church would become so anti culture that culture itself would change. Wouldn’t our Government, not necessarily fear us, but at least have to rethink its policy? I am convinced that it would. I am convinced that we as the church are not to be impacted by culture but that we are to impact culture.

This "ideology", as it has become labeled, is obviously not as "task oriented" or progressive as activism. Arguing with people until you get your way and are able to pass laws that force others to "be nice" is obviously a faster route. But does this solve anything? "The early church was called The Way. It was not called The Answer or The Destination. Those who follow Jesus are searchers on a Way that never arrives in this life." - Dennis A. Jacobsen. Spiritually there is a question that we ultimately must answer. Because if we do good, and follow the example of Jesus just to get something in return(heaven) then we miss the point. We must ask ourselves, If there was no heaven, If there was nothing after this life, If all it is is you die and there is nothing more, Would you still follow Jesus? As if that’s not difficult enough I'd like to pose the same question in a different way. If there will never be a utopia, If there will always be poor among us, If we cannot "fix" human suffering, Will you still Love? If our nation and this world cannot come to agreement, If they cannot establish laws that protect the oppressed and make this world more just for all, Will you instead give up the privilege that same society gave to you and be in solidarity with the poor? Will you stop arguing and pick up your cross, deny yourself, and follow him? Many times we think of carrying our cross to follow Jesus to heaven. But though I have faith that is one day where it will lead, I think Jesus' cross lead him to love the unlovable, and befriend the friendless, and ultimatly to death. So many times we follow Jesus, with our cross, but see the death as just a means for our salvation, which it is, but it is also the cost. There is a cost and though only Jesus can pay it for our sins, it is also our cost. (if we are followers of Jesus we don't only get to follow the good stuff we get to follow the hard parts too)

What would it look like if we all died to our selves, not to our personal sins to become "good people"(which is just selfish and arrogant), but died to everything that is us just to give something, some unworthy gift, to someone who has nothing. And "In the courtyard of such death, ...(we) proclaimed the resurrection of Christ, the unbending hope in the power of life, the unyielding belief that God, not death, has the last word." - Jacobsen.

This blog sometimes goes astray, but it is my intention, as I have labeled it, for it to reflect the deep burning of my heart. And as laying these burdens often leads me to growth through correction, also my convictions are strengthened and I beg you that (to steal another line from V) "if you see what I see and you feel as I feel" you too will no longer keep silent. For I find truth in the words of Jeremiah which were also quoted by Jacobsen in my reading tonight, "O Lord, you have enticed me and I was enticed; you have overpowered me, and you have prevailed... For the word of the Lord has become for me a reproach and derision all day long. If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak anymore of his name," then within me there is something like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot" (Jeremiah 20:7-9)

Where Is My Mind? Maybe I’ve Gone Too Far...

With your feet in the air
and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind [3x]

Way out in the water
See it swimmin'

These lyrics from the pixes song "where is my mind?" might be familiar to you from the ending of the movie fight club, for me it is a lyric that plays over in my mind, and when it does I once again find myself identifying spiritual qualities to music. This isn’t for everyone, its just the way I feel like God communicates with me sometimes. But anyways, when this lyric plays over and over in my mind, I start to search deeper and wonder "where is my mind?". As of late I can fully admit to and this blog is evidence of the fact that my mind has been elsewhere, and not where it needs to be.

I find that the questions David Ziggler used to ask us "where is your heart" and "what’s nipping at your heels" are beneficial to discus with your friends and fellow believers. I'll start with the later because its the "bad news" and maybe we can get to some form of good news before this is over. The truth is that life has been nipping at my heels, but not what matters in life, just the things that ensnare us, just the junk, which we have to be careful to continually examine ourselves for because it can be very "good" things we get caught up in. But lately the question of where I will go next semester, when I will get to leave and see my dearly missed friends and family, when I’ll get to drive my car and turn a wrench on the jeep, when ill get to do what I want. all good things, but all things we are never promised, and things we do not deserve to expect. Thus these reasons have kept my God from my mind except for that small fraction of time that I cleverly disguise as plenty of time, and I suppose in a less important way have kept me from this blog.

Where is my heart... Hmmm maybe we wont get to any good news... For tonight as I spill over the lyrics and recite the song as its sound assaults me at full volume, I have nothing but remorse to offer for where my mind has been, but I will finally spit out where it is if I can. Its something that I fear words can not explain, for I have heard the stories, I have seen the pictures, I have donated the money, but my eyes today have seen and my ears have heard the stories and my heart has wept.

Tonight my mind is with a man who's name my arrogance and culturally illiterate "education" have robbed me of. I will never forget his face, but since his name is Spanish and I could barely understand it, I will not be able to lift him by name in my prayers tonight, although I assure you he will be in them. He is a man who was deported yesterday for being an illegal immigrant.
I don’t care to know the images and stereotypes that just filled your mind, because until today they were mostly mine as well. But today a new image was instilled, one that I so desperately hope I can instill in yours. First I want to apologize because ignorance is truly bliss and the image of some one breaking the law, someone who "deserves it", someone who is different from ourselves and therefore some how not entitled to the same privileges we enjoy and should just "go back where they came from" is an easier one to deal with, it is harder to deal with the fact that he has been living and working in the United States for the last 15 years. 15 years. most of you that read this are probably under 30, if you are 20 the example works even better. Imagine (if you are 20) that when you were 5 years old your parents moved to another country, you grew up speaking their language and then one day you are deported back "where you came from" how can this be, wouldn’t you feel as if that’s not your home? you might say: well yeah I was born there but this is where I live, this is where I go to school, this is where my friends are, this is where I go to church... the mission I visited today in Tijuana serves those who were recently deported. They told us of a man who lived in the united states for 53 years and then was deported. 53 years. if you couldn’t wrap your mind around 15 years good luck, if your 20, now imagine living here for another 33 years and then someone telling you "go home" aren’t you all ready home? this man I talked to, the one who lived in the US for 15 years, was deported without warning, he said yesterday he woke up in Pomona, CA, which is minutes from Azusa CA where my school is based out of, and by the end of the day he was in Tijuana Mexico. As if that’s not bad enough for himself, it gets worse, he is a proud father of 4 children, all of whom were born in the US and are legal citizens, the ages are 15, 12, 9, and 6. Imagine his wife trying to explain to the 6 year old why daddy isn't coming home. Heck take a stab at explaining it to the 15 year old. And you cant even blame it on him, because he loves his children and did everything he could to provide the best for them, and wishes with everything inside him to be home with them. Now his family must leave their home, school, friends, and church (yes church even illegal immigrants love Jesus!) to be with their father, and in doing so must "take a vow of poverty". Then there’s the sick twist that since they are citizens they have to wait to get their passports before they leave... So he is looking at a minimum of 2-3 months alone in a country he hasn’t been to in over 15 years to wait for his family, job less , and homeless. And we cry "God bless America".

If you think this story is not common, think again. The mission houses 80 men a night they are allowed to stay a maximum of 12 days to try to find a job or to contact relatives for money or housing. The mission served just over 10,000 people last year, and since it has been open has become the temporary home of 170,000 "displaced persons". One of our guides, a Lutheran pastor in san Diego, said it this way "how come these issues never come across the pulpit? wouldn’t we want to do something if we knew?, did you here about this? I didn’t! I was too busy hearing about forgiveness of sins and how to get to heaven."

Sadly this is Christian America, we are looking to be entertained by church. We give pats on the back and say good word this morning pastor! we some how incorporate our arrogance in to church service by pledging allegiance to the flag after 9/11 in service and making sure we pray for "the boys" in Iraq while rarely if ever remembering to pray for the families in Baghdad. Am I unpatriotic, no I love America this place is great, but we must not mix our allegiance, We are citizens of the kingdom of heaven(here on earth) first and "Americans" second. When we cannot distinguish the two is when these issues where the church should be loving others and saying I turn my other cheek get lost and forgotten. We get caught up in this patriotism and as "Christian Americans" we love everyone... who is an American.

I read a terrifying passage in Shane Claiborne’s "irresistible revolution" just the other day. He was talking about this very topic, and I’m probably basically plagiarizing him in most of what I’ve written but there is one paragraph where Shane asks a ten year old just days after the attack on September 11th what we should do. He said "well those people did some thing evil” “but I always say two wrongs don’t make a right, it doesn’t make sense for us to hurt them back. Besides we are all one big family.” How shocking that was too read, how come I was not strong enough to respond in such a way? How come the church was not strong enough to respond in such a way? What would it have looked like if instead of God bless America, and pledging allegiance to the flag in church, which contributed to a patriotic complex, which according to the words of Martin Luther King Jr. “only lead to violence“, we publicly said we love and forgive you Osama bin laden?

Maybe I’ve gone too far, maybe loving our enemies isn’t “popular” with Christians today. Or maybe that’s our good news. Maybe that’s something we can get excited about. Could we get excited about finding ways to do something that is difficult but yet God’s will? Could loving illegal immigrants and terrorists be that thing that sparks the life back into Christianity, where we leave our melodramatic, apathetic, comatose “religion” behind and the world will have no choice to say “who are these that love despite the terrible things done to them?” “who are these that would give up everything the world says they are entitled to and follow in the footsteps of a mere carpenter, denying themselves everything and holding others needs above themselves”???? After experiencing these things, it is impossible to find any vindication in the “American dream” I cant think about a boat and a big house when all I want right now is for my new Mexican/American friend to hold his children. How can we desire a heaven and forgiveness of sins if are heart is busy burning for and loving those in need? Could it be that our individualistic selfishness has permeated church? And we are so busy with securing our salvation that we have no time to help those in need? I am not saying go sin and help others, I am saying truly love, with your whole heart, and there will be no room for sin.

Let me try to paint the picture for you

Let me try to paint the picture for you
She hasn’t called you since before you can remember
But you can think about that as much as you want your phones still ringing
You answer to a voice that tries to sound calm but you know otherwise
Let me try to paint the picture for you
She says she wants to tell you with words that falter
But as hard as she tries her heart aint singing
You tell her you’ll come see her tomorrow with your fear in disguise
Let me try to paint the picture for you
She’s sitting in your car now and her pride still wont surrender
But in aggravation hands you the paper with the doctors finding
You tell her you will try to help her, though all you feel is hate and despise


Let me try to paint the picture for you
So your heart too will break
Let me try to paint the picture for you
So that we can fix this mistake


Let me try to paint the picture for you
He wanders in laughing and smiling
But you wonder why he’s there
You press it from your mind to try to pay attention
Let me try to paint the picture for you
He hides it well he doesn’t want you to see him crying
But the topic is too heavy its too much to bare
You feel his pain with nervous apprehension
Let me try to paint the picture for you
He portrays his heart as black and dying
But the razor proves otherwise as crimson spills from the wound, does anyone care?
You and he are the same, you have to tell him, hiding now is out of the question


Let me try to paint the picture for you
So your heart too will quake
Let me try to paint the picture for you
So that we can all stop being fake


Let me try to paint the picture for you
They lie on the street all around us
But you can justify it, cant you?
You tell your self drugs, and bad choices are to blame
Let me try to paint the picture for you
Their life is not worthless
But if it ended tonight what would we do?
You wouldn’t notice your life is the same
Let me try to paint the picture for you
Their plight is something we must discuss
But are you willing to?
You, the first step must be taken by you, or You, will be to blame


Let me try to paint a picture for you
One you really don’t want to see
So let me try to paint this picture for you
With words instead of paint
For this picture is painted for you
So that your heart can break


Yes this picture I’ve painted for you
Is so that you can no longer fake
That this picture I’ve painted for you
Though words instead of paint
Is a picture I’ve painted for you
Because its something we all must see

It's Hard to Argue When You Won't Stop Making Sense

Just was listening to my I-tunes collection, and ran across this song. Not sure why it never stuck out to me before. I know snow patrol is far from inspired and I don’t believe they even claim to have anything to do with Christianity, but this isn’t the first time I’ve seen their lyrics as able to be dialogue with God.

Tonight's song was "Hands Open" by snow Patrol:

It's hard to argue when you won't stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it keeps digging my own grave with my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

Why would I sabotage the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know exactly what I want with my...

Hands open and my eyes open
I just keep hoping that your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

Put Sufjan Stevens on and we'll play your favorite song
"Chicago" bursts to life and your sweet smile remembers you,

my Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

"Its hard to argue when you wont stop making sense", lately its been easy to fall into routine. It always is, it happens all the time. But when ever I finally wake up and get that clear mind, which I usually find in worship, (but everyone has their places and things where they feel closest to him), but when ever it happens I almost have to, and even sometime do just break into a smile. Sometimes the week gets so rough and we get all caught up, even with good things, but I have to shake my head and laugh every time I remember that he’s there, and he makes sense. And we have to laugh at our selves "how could we have argued with you all week" "of course your right, your always right!" I want to try to let less and less time and maybe someday none at all between finding this truth. Why must we keep up the tendency of involving ourselves and making plans, when in the end we know our plans are rubbish and he's going to work it out.

Another way it struck home with me is my "call" to ministry. I’m pretty sure I’ve received it, but I must admit its not an easy thing to accept and submit to. I was talking with a pastor I absolutely respect. His life of service and reverence for God is something that has shaken my faith, especially in his prayer life which is very open and un ashamed. I envy that. But we were talking and he said "isn’t it hard" yes it really is, see its not all that I want to be out drinking or something, all though I’m sure all of my hobbies aren’t exactly biblical, its the little things. Not “partying” on Friday night, but just being able to do something, have the freedom to make plans or even do nothing at all. But we have made the commitment to be here at church on Friday nights working with this handful of kids. But when the fog of responsibility fades even for a moment and I can grasp some feeling of comrade-ary with my God and maybe just maybe that he is pleased with me or just might use me to make a difference that I once again shake my head and laugh. "What sacrifice I must ask?" "Where else would I rather be?" "Its hard to argue when you keep making sense!"

The lyrics go on to describe these "doubting" feelings when it says, "why would I sabotage the best thing that I have?" Maybe after thinking about it we should respond to our selves "Well its easier to know exactly what I want with my hands open and my eyes open" and actually try to say alright God you don’t have to “hope” anymore, what’s the plan? My heart is open! Because its not enough or "as easy as willing it all to be right" we Gotta actually take his direction and act on it. Because we Gotta do more than "hoping its right" we have to not hope but trust, and know through real faith. For fake faith is hope.

We can no longer hope that Christianity is right, we can no longer have an attitude that hopefully Jesus was who he said he was, and more than just hope that the kingdom of God can be established here on earth. We must believe and trust and know that we are right, that Jesus is the son of God, and that the kingdom can and will come to earth as it is in heaven. The thing that distinguished the early church is not found in home churches verses mega churches, or in the style of worship, or arguably in doctrine. It is in faith.

As a whole we have become so luke warm that we are pretty sure, I mean we hope were doing the right thing... No, faith is and must be so much more than that! Read the great faith chapter in Hebrews, people did crazy things for this "religion" and the early church "shocked" the world, never before had the world seen such people that rejoiced when they suffered persecution, or sang in the jails! One last quote to close tonight from the book "world religions" by Huston smith in his section describing Christianity when he is talking about the impact of Jesus' teachings, "They were astonished, and with reason. If we are not it is because we have heard Jesus’ teachings so often that their edges have become worn and smooth, dulling their subversive ness. If we could recover their original impact, we too would be startled."

I Could Search For All Eternity Long

Here in Los Angeles my semester consists of 4 classes. One is community organization and is held every Friday the whole semester. The other three are spread into 4 or 5 week sections and meet Mondays and Wednesdays. I just recently finished "urban explorations" which dedicates each class to a different "social justice" issue, such as homelessness, education, the judicial system, prisons, sweat shops, and others. It was a heavy class and one that tends to drag you down a little and make you feel helpless against the masses of this pain that other people are faced with everyday that until now I had been mostly oblivious to. The last class is on immigration, in which we will actually travel to Mexico and see the wall from their side, as well as look up our own genealogy to see where and when our relatives immigrated here. The class I’m in at the moment however is the one I want to talk about tonight. The class I recently started is called urban religious movements and covers everything from Judaism to scientology. So far I’ve visited a Hindu temple, a Turkish orthodox cathedral, a liberal protestant church, a Buddhist meditation site, and today an Islamic mosque.

As I’ve studied these other religions with the most "objective" standpoint I could muster, I can not lie and say I have not found truth. But I have found incomplete truth. It still is difficult to write them off as wrong and "hell bound". I guess I sort of had this misconception, subconsciously, that other religions were wrong so therefore they must be satanic or of the devil. ...Which I guess they might be, I guess I cant rule that out... but never the less its become harder for me to dismiss them as sinners as quickly. I've found something that scares me, I’ve found people seeking God. In some cases as with Islam they even say they are seeking my god. And that hurts me. Its so much easier to write it off, its so easy to view them as wrong and sinful and feel a need to preach truth to them as if they had no desire for the truth already. But when I met Buddhists and Hindus and especially Muslims I found that they have been seeking it long before I came in contact with them. What do I have to offer them? They are in a sense just like me, seeking God. Sticking primarily to Muslims but including Jews as well. All three religions do not worship other gods, both of them worship the same god as Christians. And that seriously messes with me. Not in a sense that I want to convert, because unlike them I believe that God came down in the form of a man and died for our sins and that without him we cannot receive grace through any other method. But in a sense that breaks my heart, that they are seeking God possibly (and I would venture to say that they are) seeking the God, the right God, our God. But they think their way which is not morally wrong only doctrinally wrong is the right way, and don’t understand why we have to be "selfish" and say "do it our way" that’s what they really think. That we seek the same god they just do it a little different... unfortunately I do not claim to know enough to speak educated…ly about these topics but I did personally meet and talk to several Muslims as well as sit through their service today.

I was not intending to go into detail about what particularly was perplexing my mind, but instead I just wanted to say that the whole experience thus far has been tough.

One of the five pillars of Islam is the hajj, or pilgrimage to Mecca. If I was able to separate myself from the blatant differences between the religions and agree at least that they try to serve the same god (the god of Abraham) this particular pillar stuck out to me I think because of some of my recent experiences. See there are a lot of misconceptions about Islam, most grow out of ignorance or fear. Most people don’t know about the pilgrimage to Mecca and think it is about Mohamed, or that it is where god resides or at least you can feel his presence better. This is not true.

They travel to Mecca because they believe it to be the site that Abraham set up to worship, in fact part of it is related to the story found in our bible of Abraham being willing to sacrifice his son Isaac. And they even "symbolically" throw stones at satan at one point in the journey. The man I spoke to today has been 4 times to Mecca, and said this "its not about Mecca, god is not more present there than anywhere else, we don’t worship the big rock, it is true we go to seek god, but not because he is there, but because through the journey we find god right where he’s always been. right with us all along."

From this he told us that its truly powerful and life changing to realize god is with you. Ok remember we are trying to forget that these are defiantly not the same religion, but isn’t it true? Do you see the kind of truth I am finding even in other faiths? Once again not things that make me question conversion because again I believe that Jesus is God incarnate and that he died for our sins. But it does make my attitude turn less from disgust and bitterness, which is all misunderstanding, to respect and worry that they are close but not close enough.

As I have pondered these things and thoughts of traveling and searching cross my mind, God has a way of drawing my attention. I returned to LACPC the Korean American church I have been working with the youth group at here in LA. As we went into worship, we didn’t sing this song and I don’t know the last time I heard it, probably not since my days at believers chapel in Mexico NY, but its lyrics came to my mind between songs. Its a song called “in the garden” or “none like you” and ill include the full lyrics at the end but one line in particular stuck out to me. "I could search for all eternity long, and find.... there is none like You." As I began to agree and feel God's reassuring hand on me I felt so glad to know, I could go on my own hajj of sorts, I could go study Islam and Judaism as well as all religions and ultimately I have faith (which is not hope but rather trust and even fact in my heart) that I will find none like my God. Cuz in fact I have already done so. I have previously written of my experience of finding God at work when I traveled 700 miles from home to Indiana, and even after traveling 3000 miles here in LA, even in a different ethnic group that is unfamiliar to me I have found a bond among strangers. And then as if that were not enough we finished praise with better is one day... coincidence? Maybe but it was exactly what I needed. Thank you God.

IN THE GARDEN/NONE LIKE YOU MEDLEY

I come into the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses.
and the voice I hear falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses.

There is none like You, no one else can touch my heart like You do.
I could search for all eternity long, and find- there is none like You.

He speaks and the sound of His vioce, is so sweet the birds hush their singing.
And the melody that He gave to me, Within my heart is ringing.

There is none like you. No one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long, and find- there is none like You.
(none like You--ou, none like You)

And he walks with me, and He talks with me, He tells me I am His own.
And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.

There is none like You, no one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long and find- there is none like You.

I'd stay in he garden with Him, tho' the night around me be falling.
But He bids me go, thro' a voice of woe, His voice to me is calling.

There is none like You, no one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long and find- there is none like You.

Thots on Community. And Cost.

Well after reading some comments I feel ashamed for not blogging in a while. Also I feel semi obligated to spill something. Currently my lack of writing stems from my current confusion. I've been learning so much here that I can hardly process it all. I am strongly considering being done with school after this semester and trying to get my plans established instead of waiting semester after semester constantly forcing my self to sit through lectures promising my self it will be worth it some day. I also am strongly considering returning to APU next fall because they offer a sort of study abroad program in any nation I want. I would however have to return to their main campus next fall for prep classes and then take my semester abroad next spring. This of course is hampered by many things, first is my lack of desire to "waste" more time in school, but unfortunately most of all is money... Then of course I miss IWU a lot. Lately I have been desiring to have the kind of community I was introduced to in Hodson Hall. I have so far, I think, been somewhat successful in not writing too much about my struggles here on my blog, and have tried to instead make it challenging instead of depressing, but I want to share some thing I wrote about a week ago that can show you some of the struggles I deal with, and why I so strongly miss a community where I can share my burdens and feel like those that listen truly care because they share their burdens with me as well.

Demons roam this heart of mine,
They strip me of pride, and carve my insides,
The pain is something I've deserved, Something I've created
My own past is something I don't deserve to be freed of.

I wanted to use it for good, I wanted to know I had Changed.
But I don't deserve a moment of your time, Don't waste your forgiveness on me.

These things inside I don't ever expect to leave,
My insides burn with rage and compassion,
But they whisper that its all my fault,
And so the good I've sought is always blinded by guilt.

I've sought an openness, I've wished for you who knew who I was,
But I've never allowed it, I've allowed only glimpses and false hopes,
I've opened tiny windows into my false identities,
Only to slam doors shut for fear of your sight reaching deeper
And mistakenly finding the true me, a something I don't dare to say I know Myself.
I start to think I want you to know, I have even believed that I wanted to show you,
But I am beginning to believe its not worth it, so I lock away the depths of my soul.

Cowardice leads me to discard the keys, so you would never know I've been harboring these creatures.
And fear that they may harm someone else if released, outstretches my hand to finalize the thot.
And so I hope you see its for your own good, my destruction is to Protect you from myself.
But yet something, some mix of hope and faith will not release my grip,
And so the keys to my heart if looked for can be seen,
Trapped in a mess of flesh and bone at the end of my sleeve.

After posting this on a more personal site(facebook lol) a good friend of mine(anne) wrote this:

Andrew, this is a wonderful expression. I think that you and I share similar feelings. God has been working out all the junk, but we have to offer Him the keys and be willing to accept the changes He wants to do in us. I think that one of the more painful things is actually showing our brothers and sisters the "monsters" that we carry around inside us. they seem so big, but remember that in the end, when we look upon these things that wrecked so much havoc in our minds and hearts, we will laugh...is this what we were afraid of all this time??? don't destroy yourself, only put to death the misdeeds of your body. you are of great worth to me and countless others. allow God to shake things up inside you, He is patient and kind. He knows how to break down walls in such a way to bring about the best He has for you. grace, peace and truth to you my brother.

And here was my response:

Well I guess I’ll first say that this is, like you said, an expression. I usually don’t think about my self and for the most part I feel like I’m ok. But I think its ok and even good to have our "dark nights of the soul". Its not good to focus on our short comings and faults, but it draws us closer to God when we can express our broken ness to him and realize without him we are nothing. It is hard sometimes to find strength in him, and even harder to express it in words when we do find it, but there’s something real about suffering, something we all relate to. And when we realize that everyone suffers and that therefore we should have no shame in our suffering then maybe we can begin to share our "monsters" and "dark nights of the soul" and learn and help each other. And so when I’m lucky enough to capture a small idea of what that suffering looks like in my life, and then somehow find a way to express it, I will. And I hope that you and others will share with me your pains and your struggles. Whether you say a single word or not, however you express it, through song, through art, through writing two words on a piece of paper and handing to me because you cant seem to tell me in words, it doesn’t matter to me, because I have found that we are all broken and my heart continues to tear when I learn of others burdens. However I have found nothing, not money, not alcohol, not girls, not speed, nor a sweet jeep, not even worship itself as rewarding as bearing the burdens of others. And trust me I’ve tried and wished they would, because its not easy.

Just today I wrote this to my friend(Trevor) from IWU:

yeah dude, I dunno sometimes. I mean for the most part I love it out here, and am experiencing God in a way I never thought possible. But sometimes I just get so frustrated I need an outlet. and I don’t have one. growing up a loner has taught me that music can solve all my problems, you just turn it up louder than the pain can scream in your ears and louder than your thoughts can shout and get lost in the words or beat. since then I have found other things some bad like seeing how fast the car will go or how many shots it takes to become numb, but then I found even better lasting ways. I found guys that I could talk to guys that were real and shared their struggles and made me realize I was not alone. not having that here is killing me. I might be fine for days at a time but when something really burns on my heart I have no other resort it seems then to block it out.


I have been thinking a lot about community and what it means to me. I think it has become a buzz word in the younger generation just as small group, intentional, and follower of Christ not a Christian have become buzz words and phrases. But I think its so much deeper than all that, and like anything if it just remains something you think about and talk about and not something you live breath and do its just empty words. When you invest in a community and you invest in the people around you they will in turn invest and trust you. But so often we look for a good one to join, not thinking about the one we are in now, just not actively participating in. what would it look like if you really knew your neighbors? Ok first thing that popped into your head was evangelism!? right? Not what I’m talking about, in a sense it is but not in the traditional sense. So often we hear about getting our neighbors to come to church or inviting them to events. What if we just went over and hung out, or invited them to dinner with no motives? As I have been hanging around skid row for the last few Saturdays here, I’ve come to a conclusion. Most Christians that come here come to evangelize. And good its something that needs to be done. But what I’ve found through just simply walking around, and sitting around skid row with them and occasionally having the privilege to share a conversation with them, is that right off the bat they talk about religion. I even had one lady see me coming and say "hi, God, Love, Peace, Yada yada, See ya!" so fast I didn’t know what was happening. I longed to explain to her that regardless of my religion my heart breaks for her and the conditions she lives in and the possible slavery that keeps her in bondage(whether it be drugs, sex, or whatever) although I believe it is God prompting my spirit to feel that way.

I have resorted to the main part of my Saturday "ministry" just being walking around with a smile and saying a sincere hello how are you to everyone I see. I absolutely see a need for evangelism and I would hope what I am doing is still evangelism. But I lament that I don’t see the sacrifice in driving down cursing the wicked, screaming Jesus or burn and driving away. Walking around with tracks and having short conversations never to set foot on the row again is somewhat better but still I see a lack of sacrifice. It is this lack of sacrifice that I eluded to when I spoke to common ground ministries in Pulaski that last time before I left for college again. I recalled a popular worship song that sings "I’ll never know how much it costs, to see my sin upon that cross" how very sad and true. How many of us will rely on his sacrifice and grace and never experience it for our selves. What if instead singing it as sad truth that we can never know, we sang it a little bit different. What if it was more of a hopeful prayer that went something more like this "I want to know how much it costs, to see my sin upon that cross!" now we truly can never know, even if by some terrible fate we were to be crucified ourselves we still would only catch a glimpse of what Jesus went through. but maybe a glimpse is all we need. Maybe we may not particularly need to bare the cost as it is a free gift of grace. But what if we did anyways. what if we went a little above and beyond church, and made it cost. How much does your current lifestyle cost you? I told the kids in the youth group, if Sunday and Thursday nights are just a hang out and you learn nothing than what does that cost? again maybe its a free gift, I believe it is, but maybe it pleases God to give a little or even a lot for the sake of the kingdom.

In closing I’d like to share a quote from a letter Martin Luther King Jr. wrote while being imprisoned in Birmingham Alabama for his non violent protests. If you ever get to read the letter it is surely powerful and though it was written in the context of discrimination of African Americans many things and even those issues themselves still apply today. he said, "If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century."

Peace In the World??? - Part 2

I want to return to the topic not to bash on church which I suppose is the way I came off and not even to talk about the play at all, but to further describe my underlying argument which I feel was over shadowed by the church argument. And if you haven’t read that one yet you probably should. Thanks.

I just finished a short book by Henri J. M. Nouwen, called Out of Solitude. In one chapter I learned that the word "care" comes from the Gothic word Kara which means lament. And I quote him "the basic meaning of care is: to grieve, to experience sorrow, to cry out with.

Maybe its not so much to solve problems, all though that is a worthy goal. But maybe its about caring enough to sit with and say I don’t understand either. A point which the author also makes, he describes it this way: "We have a strong tendency to refer to specialists. When someone does not feel well, we quickly think, "where can I find a doctor?" When someone is confused, we easily advise him to go to a counselor. And when someone is dying, we quickly call a priest. Even if someone wants to pray we wonder if there is a minister around." He then tells a documented story, of when the constitution was being drafted, Benjamin Franklin proposed they start the session with prayer since they were having a difficult time, the motion was rejected not because of unbelief but because they figured they could not afford to pay a Chaplin. He sums it up by saying "although it is usually meaningful to call on outside help, sometimes our referral to others is more a sign of fear to face the pain than a sign of care, and in that case we keep our greatest gift to heal hidden from each other."

I could pretty much quote the whole book, and SERIOUSLY recommend it , it cost 1.75 and is easily read in 20 minutes. Just read it please! Either way I apologize again if I offended anyone, and wish I could have another chance to experience the play in its entirety maybe its getting at the same point I am, but for clarification I’ll tell you more about that night as I should have done in the first place.

First off I was thinking a lot about the issues I would face here in LA, and the stories Brandi told me of her encounters with the homeless were busy attacking my conscience. But as we prayed in youth group just before going into the play, some of my friends (that though I barely knew seemed close to me as only a bond formed through ministry together can seem to bring) received a phone call that their friends who run a hotel in Arizona were gunned down. Their close friend was wounded and in serious condition in the hospital, and his fiancé was killed along with several others. I saw the pain in their faces as they cried and all we could do was pray for them. Then I turned around and walked into a service that I acknowledge was already underway where they sang there is peace in the world tonight. I hope by now it is clear that I realize the church had other intentions, but hopefully also you can understand my reactions to hearing of tragedy and then hearing peace in the world. I guess perhaps if I was stronger I could have rejoiced that God is still alive and at work, I guess I should have praised God that I can have peace in the midst of that tragedy. But I admit I was not strong enough, and though it wasn’t even my burden to bare I did and I was, wrongly, bitter.

However I still hold to my argument and hope tonight’s ramblings can further clarify that though I long for healing and peace I wish for the strength to suffer with if justice can not be served here on earth. And rather than seeking comfort and blessing, I seek to endure the same hardships that others are forced to suffer, for what makes us any better? What right do we have to experience the “good” things in life if they cant?

Maybe that’s what mother Teresa was getting at when she said “come and see“, maybe that’s what Jim Burns meant when he said, “I believe they chose to be in ministry as adults because they had a chance to have their hearts broken with what breaks the heart of God when they were in the impressionable years of adolescence.” Maybe that’s what Jesus meant when he said in Matthew 6, “25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Or what Mohatma Gandhi Challenges us with when he says, “In my judgment the Christian faith does not lend itself to much preaching or talking. It is best propagated by living it and applying it. When will you Christians really crown Jesus Christ as Prince of Peace and proclaim Him through your deeds as the champion of the poor and oppressed?”

Maybe if we “stop worrying” and really give our selves to the mercy of God’s care, and “go and see” so that “our hearts can be broken with what breaks the heart of God” we will begin to “really crown Jesus Christ as Prince of Peace and proclaim Him through our deeds as the champion of the poor and oppressed”.

Maybe…

Napoleon Bonaparte and Zacheous...

I went over to a campus crusade for Christ at university of southern California last night and I thought about something when the speaker Greg was talking about Zacheous.

Why is it that Jesus wanted to be with Zacheous. His name and this story comes up a lot when referring to the poor, since after his encounter with Jesus he gives half his possessions to the poor and repays several times more than what he took from them. But I questioned for the first time Jesus' reasoning for having a meal with Zacheous.

This past Monday for class we were given 20 bucks and headed down to skid row in groups of two to take a homeless person out to lunch and have a conversation with them. Not evangelize just hang out and learn about them. Later many of us came back to the group not discouraged because we all felt touched by the end of it, but surprised. Most of them would not accept the meal, some wouldn’t come with us to go eat and we got the feeling they distrusted us. And most were friendly one said "no I’m trying to lose weight" and then demonstrated by standing up and showing us her pants were kind of tight and one even said sure she'd tag along but when given a menu simply ordered a drink and said she wasn’t all that hungry. And one lady who didnt want to eat sat around talking to us about the cats she was helping out for a while, then when we had to leave she told us "make sure you head over to the shelter and help out those poor cats, you know it costs 12 dollars a day to feed em dont cha?"

Here’s where my questions began. Why do we expect them to trust us just because they are homeless? If a stranger came up to me on the street and asked me to go to lunch I'm not sure I'd go either. Is it because we think they are desperate? Do we have a mentality that they are like an animal and will come around if we have food? Now for curbing comments sake, of course many people accepted and I think we still should try to help feed the homeless, they are indeed in need of it. But I was struck by the things I just mentioned.

Back to Jesus. Why do we complain out "big oppressive evil corporation powers" and then turn to the poor for results. Its like if your car is leaking oil, you can keep putting it in day after day or you can go get the leak fixed. Now of course if you don’t keep putting it in on the way to the garage that’s not good either. So I see a need for and encourage people to take care of the poor, but while we are doing so we must be working to get the leak fixed. Now we see time and again the bible old and new testament and Jesus helping the poor but notice when Jesus comes across this system he goes straight to the source. He seeks out Zacheous and has a meal with him, not with the poor.

What if instead of taking a homeless man out to lunch, we took a politician or a company executive to lunch? Crazy I know, most will turn you down, but I’m sure some would do it and if you pester someone long enough or sound professional enough they will eventually give in. Wouldn’t that be humbling to be so rich and powerful and think you have everything and then have some college kid, or high school kid or however old you are pay for your lunch? Would it be humbling enough? Could you be compelling enough for them to give half of their possessions to the poor? Jesus did it. And Paul tells us that "through Christ all things are possible."



On another note, Greg read a quote that I though was awesome and thot inspiring:

"I know men; and I tell you that Jesus Christ is not a man. Superficial minds see a resemblance between Christ and the founders of empires, and the gods of other religions. That resemblance does not exist. There is between Christianity and whatever other religions the distance of infinity..." So says Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), emperor of France.

Napoleon expressed the following thoughts while he was exiled on the rock of St. Helena. There, the conqueror of civilized Europe had time to reflect on the measure of his accomplishments. He called Count Montholon to his side and asked him, "Can you tell me who Jesus Christ was?" The count declined to respond. Napoleon countered: "Well then, I will tell you. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne and I myself have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force. Jesus alone founded His empire upon love, and to this very day millions will die for Him. . . . I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you, all these were men, and I am a man; none else is like Him: Jesus Christ was more than a man. . . . I have inspired multitudes with such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me . . . but to do this is was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, my words, of my voice. When I saw men and spoke to them, I lightened up the flame of self-devotion in their hearts. . . . Christ alone has succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the unseen, that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space. Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, Jesus Christ makes a demand which is beyond all others difficult to satisfy; He asks for that which a philosopher may often seek in vain at the hands of his friends, or a father of his children, or a bride of her spouse, or a man of his brother. He asks for the human heart; He will have it entirely to Himself. He demands it unconditionally; and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with all its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerely believe in Him, experience that remarkable, supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is unaccountable; it is altogether beyond the scope of man's creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength nor put a limit to its range. This is it, which strikes me most; I have often thought of it. This it is which proves to me quite convincingly the Divinity of Jesus Christ."

Why did we have to wait for Eminem to get angry.

***Warning explicit lyrics!!! I don’t support the language but if you can get past the vulgar “ness” then I hope you can see the message,***

I never would've dreamed in a million years I'd see, So many motherfuckin' people who feel like me, who share the same views And the same exact beliefs, it's like a fuckin' army marchin' in back of me, so many lives I Touch, so much anger aimed, in no particular direction, just sprays and sprays, and straight Through your radio waves it plays and plays, 'till it stays stuck in your head for days and Days, who would of thought, standing in this mirror bleachin' my hair, with some peroxide, Reaching for a t-shirt to wear, that I would catapult to the forefront of rap like this, how Could I predict my words would have an impact like this, I must've struck a chord, with somebody Up in the office, cause congress keeps telling me I ain't causin' nuthin' but problems, and now They're sayin' I'm in trouble with the government, I'm lovin' it

White America, I could be one of your kids, white America, little Eric looks just like this, White America, Erica loves my shit, I go to TRL, look how many hugs I get

Look at these eyes, baby blue, baby just like yourself, if they were brown, Shady lose, Shady Sits on the shelf, but Shady's cute, Shady knew, Shady's dimple's would help, make ladies swoon Baby, {ooh baby}, look at my sales, let's do the math, if I was black, I would've sold half, I Ain't have to graduate from Lincoln high school to know that, but I could rap, so fuck school, I'm too cool to go back, gimme the mic, show me where the fuckin' studio's at, when I was Underground, no one gave a fuck I was white, no labels wanted to sign me, almost gave up

See the problem is, I speak to suburban kids, who otherwise would of never knew these words Exist, whose mom's probably would of never gave two squirts of piss, 'till I created so much Motherfuckin' turbulence, straight out the tube, right into your living room I came, and kids Flipped when they knew I was produced by Dre, that's all it took, and they were instantly hooked Right in, and they connected with me too because I looked like them, that's why they put my Lyrics up under this microscope, searchin' with a fine tooth comb, its like this rope, waitin' To choke, tightening around my throat, watching me while I write this, like I don't like this, Nope, all I hear is, lyrics, lyrics, constant controversy, sponsors working 'round the clock, to Try to stop my concerts early, surely hip-hop was never a problem in Harlem, only in Boston, After it bothered the fathers of daughters starting to blossom, so now I'm catchin' the flack From these activists when they raggin', actin' like I'm the first rapper to smack a bitch, or Say faggot, shit, just look at me like I'm your closest pal, the posterchild, the motherfuckin' Spokesman now for...

Its true would eminem be such a big deal if he were black? Wouldn’t he just blend in to the rap scene, cuz I mean were used to that right “those crazy black people always shooting each other and what not” We as a nation, not talking about individually, are still very racist. We might blame it on the “fact” that most blacks or at least intercity blacks are gangsters. But wow a white guy starts living the life style and makes his way into your living room “straight out the tube, right into your living room” speaking to the white kids “See the problem is, I speak to suburban kids” that “would of never knew these words Exist”, and suddenly people start to get angry.

Well they weren’t mad when black kids were subjected to this kind of material, only when it hit closer to home. When he “was Underground, no one gave a fuck I was white, no labels wanted to sign me, almost gave up” when he wasn’t in the public spotlight no one cared, but once he got some attention people finally got angry. I by no means support the way he is shedding light on urban issues, by subjecting “white kids” to the same thing blacks and all urban kids (that just might not be in the spotlight due to poverty) have to be exposed to. But I must admit he’s effective. It’s a shame he had to bring these issues to the rest of the world's kids to try to get answers but it’s their fault they were too comfortable sheltering themselves and their families from the real problems that other families have to face. What right do we have to not be subjected to this material if they do.

He sheds light on the “people who feel like me, who share the same views And the same exact beliefs, it's like a fuckin' army marchin' in back of me, so many lives I Touch, so much anger aimed, in no particular direction, just sprays and sprays”. so much anger is out theere why can people just ignore the problems, why do we move to better neighborhoods to give our kids a better chance what right do we have to not let our kids be subjected to the same issues and struggles? Money? Does money give you the right? Do you really still believe the terrible myth that minorities choose to live the way they do or are all bad? Cant you see the generational links, lets see one persons parents might not have a lot of money but still get help to get through college then when they have kids because they have been helped and have gotten better jobs and opportunities they are then in a place to help their kids with college. But if you walk off a plantation, or come back from a war, or migrate here looking to escape hardship with nothing to your name and the government not only doesn’t offer you assistance but legalizes polices like redlining “poor” neighbor hoods, which means they draw a line around the area and don’t let anyone get loans or other services(because they are “high risk“), then because they received no privilege they can not help themselves let alone help their kids. So other bad habits come along in the process which I don’t excuse. But, and read this this is my main point, does it make them worse people? What if we switched kids, at birth, privileged families take poor kids and poor families took privileged kids? Wouldn’t the privileged kids end up succumbing to the same issues the traditionally poor kids do? Wouldn’t the poor kids end up going to school and getting the jobs?

Who are we to marginalize people? Who can say with a clear conscious after actually meeting and taking time to talk to a poor or even homeless person and say RETARDED AND UNEDUCATED statements like “most of them choose to be that way” or “its their own fault”. I know I’m supposed to maintain an attitude in which maybe I can educate people who are innocently ignorant but I swear the next person that tells me that, I might not be able to restrain myself.

"True Love Comes Not From Helping Those In Need Out Of Your Resource, But Living Among And Sharing Their Burdens."

Politics, Economics, Religion, And Freedom. Just Some Thots.

So I’m starting to get tired. I've been exposed to so many issues and problems this last month my head is spinning. Half of me wants to fight all the evil in the world, and half of me wants to crawl up and forget it exists. I'm reminded constantly of the verse Ecclesiastes 4:2 which says "therefore I praise the dead who are all ready dead, more than the living who are still alive. Yet better than both is he who has never existed, who has never seen the evil work that is done under the sun." All these issues I do have opinions on but that’s not why I'm writing I'm writing because spiritually I am drained. Its become so clear to me that ignorance is indeed bliss, and part of me wishes I never knew.

I am looking for answers because it seems to me that all this effort and talk is empty words. The people that want change don’t know how to bring it about and I'm beginning to believe its not possible. Not because I'm being cynical or because I'm depressed but because it seems more and more clear to me that civilization in general is the source. Is there any system where all persons benefit? Isn’t the whole basis of society the struggle of the few to gain "carefree" lives at the expense of others? Is there any other method of gain? Its hard to think about it but everything we do that is a benefit to us directly or indirectly harms someone else. We buy our wives diamond rings that are most likely conflict diamonds, if you don’t know what that is try watching blood diamond sometime. Even if its not we are willing to pay pieces of paper to someone to actually go do the hard work. But even if they are not conflict diamonds the reality is you are paying a retailer crazy amounts of money compared to the tiny amount the actual worker gets. And you never think of it, its not like your trying to hurt someone, your intentions are pure, in fact your trying to make someone happy. What about clothing, somewhere back in time we decided to pay someone else to make our clothes for us so we didn’t have to. Eventually or maybe even back then too the people actually stitching the clothing receive far less than what is deserved for their hard work. Do you think about it every time you buy clothing? of course not.

Here’s my problem, you can argue all day for better labor laws, better enforcement of labor laws, you can scream "change!!!" but unless your willing to make your clothes yourself there is never going to be a perfect system. But of course not we like options, style, and convenience not things I’m condemning, but I’m a little sick of someone whining about sweat shops with brand name clothes on. You can try to better the system but the reality is it will never be "fixed" until the demand is gone from consumers, as long as we want something some one will give it to us. Of course we can lobby for more laws and take more and more of our freedoms away.

Oh wait maybe you didn’t realize that. See every time you ask someone to protect you lose "freedom". Think simply here. If you hire a body guard to protect you at all times, you lose a certain amount of privacy, and probably the freedom to go where ever you want. If you ask the government to regulate business, then business owners lose the freedom to run their business as they see fit and you as a consumer lose the right to ask for lower prices. You cant have your cake and eat it too, I swear if some people actually took an economics class... you cant regulate a business and cry about high prices. Look at the auto industry for instance Henry ford once built the automobile for the average man, when he started out he wanted to be able to sell his auto at a price all the workers building that auto could afford. And he did, but look now and be sure to add safety requirements, air bags, auto braking systems, load range specific tires, a guarantee, and crash test results and you cannot sell a vehicle at the price the average person can afford. Its the same with housing. We tell landlords you have to have this this and this, fire doors, plumbing, water, heat, lack of vermin, and then say oh yeah and we want it at a price we can afford. How?

I'm not saying these things are bad, we should want to be safe, relatively, but all I’m saying is that this nation was founded on the direct opposite. We want to claim all the founding fathers were Christian when we ask for “In God we trust” to stay on the dollar or to keep prayer in school. But where is their religion when they founded a capitalist nation? Do most people even know what capitalism is? In short our economics was founded on rebellion to over government regulation, taxes!(remember the Boston tea party?), and so we used a system that literally means hands off (meaning keep governments hands off business). Wrong or right is your personal decision that’s not what I’m getting at I’m just wishing more and more people would take real facts into account before they say things like we should make laws against this or that, or why isn’t the government stopping this. There’s a fine line somewhere and I do not claim to know where it is but more and more I’m wondering if that line has to float around and in fact a truly "Christian" one doesn’t exist.

Where were the founders religion when they drew this up, probably right there with them, not to say it was a good system morally but to say that things like politics and economics should never be mixed with religion. Look at other nations that have other religion mixed in their government what do most of them do? They persecute other religions(and we get upset when its us). So especially with elections coming up maybe we should become more aware that we should be wary of "Christian" politicians, not to focus on the fact that most use it as a rallying point to get votes and that’s it, but that even if we believe our religion is correct, which I believe it is, does it give us the right to do what other religious nations do? Is it ok to persecute other religions? Is it ok to persecute gays? There’s a saying by a founding father or philosopher I cant remember, I want to say it was John Locke but I’m probably wrong, it says something like I may not believe what your doing is right but I will fight to the death for your right to do it. This nation, this "free" nation was founded on just that freedom, is it freedom to do whatever we say is morally correct or is it freedom to do anything that doesn’t impose on someone else’s freedom? I think the latter, so we can dream up "perfect Christian societies" ,that scarily reminds me of communism, or we can love everyone where they are, who they are. I don’t like to throw out the "Jesus card" but I’m pretty sure he never persecuted anyone, didn’t he eat with sinners prostitutes and tax collectors? Maybe we should let the government do what it wants and be glad we live under a nation that gives us freedom to practice our religion and focus on loving people not forcing them to do it our way, like the puritans and witch trials, didn’t Paul say law cannot make a man good.... And when the rich young ruler of John 10:17-22 went away sad because he couldn’t receive eternal life was it because he didn’t follow all the rules? I’ll let you read that one and figure it out.

I’ve decided that the answer might be one of two options. Either we are to live simply, I’m talking like Amish simply and rely only on family and friends for all our needs and oppress no one. Or maybe question why it was Jesus said give to Caesar what is Caesars. Did Jesus ever "fight a system" or did he seek to change hearts, was his goal ever to throw off oppression? Did he ever seek to overthrow the roman empire as many of his followers expected him to? but then again if we are thinking of living simply wasn’t Jesus homeless? didn’t he wander the countryside with not a penny to his name? hmmm...

Individualism

Individualism seems to come up often these days and it came up in debate today in class. We were talking about education and the differences between public, private, home, charter, magnet, ect. schools. One thing an article we had to read in preparation for class said was that often times the model or even purpose of public education is to generate a group of people that are "similar", the author obviously had some feeling behind what he was saying because at one point he argued that public school are designed to "render the populace manageable". Although i understand his arguments were a bit fervent, he makes a point i agree with. We are in a sense stripped of our personality and differences in order to maintain order in school, and to mold us into "model citizens". Certain qualities are promoted and rewarded and others are made fun of and even punished. I think that no matter how you look at it or how big of a problem you think it is I think you would have to agree that to some degree this is true.

I began to realize today that i feel like there is a huge correlation between suppressing differences and uniqueness in the school system and the surge in our society becoming more and more individualistic. I think its the same problem as evangelism, if you go around telling people their going to hell and they are terrible people they tend to not be very accepting of your message, and in fact it may drive them to be more "sinful". In the same way if you force a kid to be something he's not, or force them to study something that doesn't interest them of course they are going to rebel. Is it any wonder the "goth" scene is so popular? If the only way you can express that you are not some cookie cutter person, that is a product of whats on the next test, is to alter the way you dress, or to Peirce or tattoo yourself, or even to extremes of hurting yourself then of course people are going to do it.

I say this because this was the way i grew up. I felt pushed dragged trapped, what ever word you want to use, through the system. I hated school, it wasn't that i was lazy or stupid i just wasn't interested in learning how to regurgitate facts onto an exam. This isn't to say i didn't want to learn. Anyways these types of oppressive methods never end up working in the long run.

The first oppressive system i encountered was Christianity. I would later learn that to describe the whole of Christianity this way was wrong, but the Christianity my church and specifically my mother introduced me too certainly was oppressive. I believe in disciplining and protecting your children, but i grew up very sheltered although i never agreed with my mother i was taught that certain things like "non christian" music, movies over g rated, girls, and Halloween were evil. I was never even allowed to attend school on the day of Halloween, let alone go trick or treating. When i was in 6Th grade i walked a friend from my neighborhood home after school, a girl, and my mom was very angry and i got into a lot of trouble, the next day when i happened to be late coming home from school for a completely unrelated reason my mother called the police and had them search her house for me. So naturally when i got old enough and got my car i stopped attending church as regularly, and i got away from my mothers control as often as possible. School was certainly the other major oppressor i felt growing up, i did not feel like anything i was taught was genuine, the teachers just want you to pass the tests and get good grades if you cant do that they don't care about you. there obviously were exceptions. so i did things like the BOCES program where i could go learn a trade instead of sit in class, i skipped school, i decided to stop doing home work, and i dreamed of the day i would be free and wouldn't have to go anymore. I wasn't the slacker i was labeled as, i had a job i would work more than the legal limit at, i was involved in hobbies like bmx and later my cars. But once a label is assigned its near impossible to get rid of. On the other hand this wasn't always how it was, i did try to conform to school "ways" when i was younger i was on the honor roll, i was in chorus, i was recommended for advanced placement classes. But as i got older, and sicker of being forced to do things a certain way the less interested i began in pleasing people, because people were never satisfied and i found that people were not sincere in their interest in you. The next was sports, i enjoyed basketball and base ball on the elementary level and did things like basketball camp. But as i got older and began to see and feel the effects of the "politics" that go on in high school sports, i got out as fast as i could. The rich kids or the kids who had parents on the school board or that were teachers and coaches got to play, and the kids with out the hook ups sat the bench regardless of skill. Don't mistake this for being disgruntled, i don't think i had a lot if any talent but i was taught that its the fun of the game to play and i really lost sight of the fun the older i got. Instead of these good things to pursue i sought out anything else, anything that might be real. Genuineity was something i desired and i didn't find it anywhere i looked. I began to search it out in the "druggie scene" these kids might not be doing what is "right" but at least the didn't lie about it. They were honest, and though they offered they respected me if i declined to "drink" or "smoke". which i did. This led to hanging out with the more "street kids" which usually involved violence or at least anger. I also began to dress in the stereotypical "all black" i dyed my hair, i pierced my ear, i spiked my hair, i wore baggy pants, i wore chains, i carried a knife at all times. I did anything to make sure people under stood, i am not like you i don't want to be like you and i don't want anything to do with you. I was so angry at everyone, i hated everyone. I look back now at "lyrics" or poems i wrote and am sometimes shocked or at least reminded of the anger. this all led to a boiling point in January of 2004 when i let violence become my answer. fed up with the ridicule of some of my so called "friends" i attacked one kid in boces and later that day went home and never returned to that high school. The next few years would be a time where i began to find some healing and began to establish my self with things i thought i might want to be associated with. But though i might have put up a good front it would be a lie to say that i was completely decided or "OK" until even recently. Going to Pulaski high school, going to Pulaski Wesleyan, having people like Dave Ziggler and Brandi Phillips and Shane Learned and Rob Hellinger in my life, giving Christianity a second chance, failing at more options like the drinking scene and being independent certainly helped but did not bring healing or direction in itself. My "individualism" which i usually refer to as a "problem with authority" is still something i can struggle with, but as i have begin to look deeper and watch closer i have found a genuineity in Christianity in the people close to me. But this decision to become a "true" christian, or follow Christ could not have come from someone Else's coercion. It takes a decision with in your self, to actually seek to check out faith for your self, not what others are doing, saying or even failing at, but what faith is really all about, to see that it is a truth worth holding on to, and it has become something i will proudly identify myself with, and let its values run my life without resistance to its authority.

sorry if this was random and didn't really fit together or have a point... I'm open to opposition.