i dont ever want to hear her cry again

well i did not see tonight coming but it came anyway. i dont care to discuss todays or rather tonights events but all i will say is that it got me to think. just today i was tempted with the same thing and i turned it down. its been awhile since the temptation even tried but today of all days... were you preparring me oh god? and then solice in the woods, did you know i would need it, did you know my heart needed to be right with you and my mind clear for tonights events? i believe you did. though i didnt know it you knew it was coming and preparred me. college can be such a busy place and solice can be hard to find, and as my heart tore the whole way home, i was able to collapse as it broke and seek you, beg you, and desire you in solice once again. it seems like bathroom floors have become the only place i can truly pour out my heart to you and not be seen/distracted by others. but i also praise you for the community, i praise you for friends like trevor that i can ask to pray, even though i just spent the last 10 minutes on the floor with you. i praise you that i didnt need to tell him anything and yet i could feel your presence and releif as he just mearly sought you out for me. im scared to think im not worthy, im scared to think im not good enough, but thats how i feel. what good can you find in me, what gift could possibly come from this failure? only you god can see and know me, and i care no longer what the world thinks of me, i truly desire to be spotless in your eyes, not for my own reputation, not for my own glory, but so that my life might point others to you, it is not me who lives but you who live in me, please lord god let nothing be about me, but let others see jesus when they see me. i dont want to even help anyone, but i want to me a mediator for you to help and restore them to you. how can i lose my life god, show me what you would do in every curcumstance, let my life be a testiment to your love and grace, let me not be caught up in the ways of this world, even if they are not bad in and of them selfs

i dunno i want to cut it all out i feel like ive come pretty far but i want ever thing gone, i want nothing i dont want to even have a trace of anything that does not directly mirror christ

not only do i never want to hear her cry again, but i dont want to hear anyone cry ever again!
i know its unrealistic, and i know i dont have the strength to declare that at least i'll never make her or anyone cry again but please help me god not to, i will give it all away because anything else i might do effects others and i want nothing to do with hurting anyone ever again