Peace in the world???

There is peace in the world tonight.
Bull.

I just returned from a very well organized, very talented staffed church Christmas … drama. And I am stunned. I have described my view of peace before but I’d like to return to it tonight. Do you really think God is in the business of making your life “peaceful”. Do you think God wants to make your life nice and cozy and comfortable? Are you the type of person that thinks God is in the business of turning traffic lights green for Christians and other stupid tasks? Are those your definitions of peace? Is peace when your favorite TV show is on every channel and never has reruns, the donuts flow like milk and honey, and money literally grows on trees? News flash Jesus did not come to make your life easy. He did not come so you never had to work, so that every thing would be fun, and you never get hurt again. Jesus did come to bring peace. To bring the kingdom of heaven hear to earth. But not make life easy. I can see where the church comes from, trying to take away the hurt of the world. Giving people that go through problems a place to turn and feel ’happy” again. But there is a problem, yes God wants to restore you, he wants to give you peace, he wants to heal your hurt but not in the way you might think.

Preachers resemble salesmen as they promise warm fuzzy feelings as an answer to your divorce, broken heart, or abused body. But are they being truthful? Is that what its really about or is this simply an offer they cant refuse? Do not misunderstand me God is in the business of restoring lives and bringing peace. That much we have gotten right, but that’s about it. I’m also not trying to say we have to work for our “comfort” “peace” but there is more to this story then 1. You cry 2. Jesus makes the boo-boo go away. There was a line in the movie Evan Almighty that I think is true “If you pray to god for patience do you think God gives you patience or the opportunity to show patience? If you ask God for courage do you think he makes you courageous or does he give you the power to show courage?”. I think that God has restored my heart, I think that the pains I have once felt no longer have their sting. I praise God for this, but I tell you truly with the utmost resolve to not sound saintly I do not have peace! I cannot find peace, I can not sit still through a bunch of “Christians” singing “there is peace in the world tonight”. How can they sing a song like that? Peace in the world? Have they heard of Iraq? Afghanistan? Child Abuse? Drug Abuse? Rape? Murder? Gangs? Theft? Fire? Hurricanes? Children being sold into sex slavery? Children turned into militant armies? Death? Suicide? Adultery? I wonder how many kids were beat by their drunken step father while we took the time to sing “there’s peace in the world tonight”?

How comfortable do we have to get to lure people into the depths of our “religion”? How many personal relationship can we hand out with a one way relationship understanding? Come find Jesus, he wants a relationship with you, you don’t have to do anything just ask him!!!!???? This is so hard to write because it is so true! God does not require or allow you to do a thing to receive grace, but like all lies we have twisted the truth if we think that time after time we can return with a sin boldly attitude. It makes me sick because a large number of us have been duped into a comatose religion where we love Jesus we really do and we know that God loves us but fail to act. There was a speaker I heard a couple weeks ago that said it something like this, work will not get you into heaven faith does, but someone without works cannot have faith.
I feel like I haven’t communicated my point very well. But I’m sick of this. Not sick like mad and frustrated, but sick inside. There is a hope for those that hurt, a strong powerful hope. I know restoration is available, but I think we settle for soo much less. We just shoot for what sounds good. Stability, comfort, security. But these are just pleasures of the flesh. Why don’t we group these feelings with things like drunkenness and sex? They might not be bad and immoral but they are just human feelings. But of course this sounds so great only GOD could give us these feelings, praise Jesus I got a raise…??? Can we not aspire to greater power? How about being imprisoned, shipwrecked, bitten by snakes, … Crucified? Only to come away with a powerful faith, where we do not hope, but we trust in an all powerful God, a God that doesn’t want you to find joy in good grades but in holding a child that thinks no one loves them, or giving a homeless man a sandwich!!!

Is it any surprise, like I just wrote, that kids/people are turning to alcohol instead of church? But this time I’m not talking about there largely better ability to offer community, I’m talking about comfort, “peace”, pleasure! If all church is, is a way to feel good, be saved and have a God give me a hug and feel warm and fuzzy inside then what good is that? I can get a fuzzy feeling from a bottle, I can feel good going a hundred and twenty with the music blaring!!! I don’t think this is what Christianity is all about by any means but I find it hard to deny that this is going on and that this is a common misconception of our faith. If it wasn’t why would people criticize our God as a crutch!! They want nothing to do with our fuzzy little feelings and being crippled, but, when we hobble around on “Jesus crutches” and smile and say “God loves you!”, can you blame them?
I cant say I have everything figured out, or by any means perfect, note I don’t say you or them in an accusing manner instead I say we and our, but if I’m wrong and this is really what this religion is all about then I would be the first to say forget it! I can find pleasure elsewhere! I want nothing to do with that, and I praise an almighty God that he has given me a true peace that there is more, and I will not rest or feel … peace… while there is such immense pain in this world. If we truly seek and pray for peace let us not expect a nice mocha latte in the morning but instead a chance to get dirty and serve someone else. And when we see the peace and restitution God can bring to others through our obedience than maybe we can feel a little slice of peace knowing there is a bit less hate and pain in this world.

If we pray for peace, Does God give us peace? Or does he give us the opportunity to give peace?

Alcohol

I can make anybody pretty
I can make you believe any lie
I can make you pick a fight
With somebody twice your size
I been known to cause a few break ups
I been known to cause a few births
I can make you new friends
Or get you fired from Work

Chorus
And since the day I left Milwaukee
Lynch burg and Bordeaux France
Been making the bars lots of big money
And helping white people dance
I got you in trouble in high school
But college, now that was a ball
You had some of the best times
You'll never remember with me
Alcohol, Alcohol

I got blamed at your wedding reception
For your best man's embarrassing speech
And also for those
Naked pictures of you at the beach
I've influenced kings and world leaders
I helped Hemingway write like he did
And I'll bet you a drink or two that I can make you
Put that lampshade on your head

A "funny" song by brad paisley but true, alcohol has a strong affect on people, and is all around us. Its the source of debate "Jesus drank wine!" some say when others consider it abomination and sin. Many of you know that i myself have dabbled with alcohol. Many of you know i have bar tended many times at the Eis house. Some of you know just how deep i sunk into the "bar scene" for a period of my life. I am not proud of my past but find it hard to regret and am very lucky (or more likely looked after) that i didn't have any direct consequences and or tragedy during this time. But why did i do it? why do so many fall into the trap?

There a quite a few answers that flood to mind: peer pressure, curiosity, just plain rebellion? Certainly there are many people that do it for those reasons but that's not what I'm writing about tonight. These are the reasons we hear about but this isn't the reason i did it. I did it mainly for community. acceptance. relationship. Some of the very reasons one might look to the church.

The fuel for this blog came from a quote i read in a book it quoted Bruce Larson when he said, “The neighborhood bar is possibly the best counterpart there is for the fellowship Christ wants to give His church. Its an imitation, dispensing liquor instead of grace, escape instead of reality, but it is a permissive accepting and inclusive fellowship. Its unshockable. The bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics but because God has put into the human heart the desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, and so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers."

Peer pressure, curiosity, or rebellion, didn’t drive me to drink. What got me to drink was that fact that there is community in these places, just like the friends I hung out with in high school: instead of working for friendship with the popular kids that needed a reason to be your friend, or even being friends with the Christian kids at my church who needed you to live up to some sort of standard that they obviously lived and looked down at you for not being able to, I hung out with the drugies and losers because if you didn’t judge them they didn’t judge you. They accepted you because they knew they were not perfect and didn’t care If you were not either. There wasn’t a bar to jump over or a list of requirements, it was just plain unconditional acceptance and community. Why is it that the bar scene and the druggy culture can be so much more inviting than the church? Can we change that, and allow others, “outsiders”, to feel accepted and welcome them into community with us?

When i visited home last i was disappointed, and depressed it seemed that the great relationships and community that developed over the summer had fallen away and shattered. Some have become unaccepting of others, this has always been a problem with our group. probably with other groups but i would say especially with our group! I would like to think I'm a pretty accepting person, I'd like to think i don't hold myself higher than anyone else, i hope this is true. But even if its not i would ask if you really think that someone would rather come to or feel more excepted by your church, then a bar or somewhere similar? is it any surprise that kids are out drinking instead of coming to youth? what can you change to make people feel more accepted and welcome and even make those that are already around you more comfortable with you? what can you change to foster better community in your group?

Dont you just hate that feeling?

Ugg, sometimes you feel, or at least i do, that horrible gut wrenching feeling where if the right person said the wrong thing you would more than explode. Explode can happen from any pent up emotion, this is so much more. I wrote about it but it would reveal to much of the circumstance to allow me to post it though i wish i could share it with someone. I am failing at trying to explain how pure rage can feel but it happened to me this weekend.

All tole the week off from school was amazing, i got to see a good friend in Ohio, and see my sister which i have not seen in far too long, as well as my nephews which are so cool. I had a lot of fun with friends caught up with family and enjoyed thanksgiving as well as got some work done. And I'm not going to say this over shadowed this whole awesome week because it didn't but it was horrible its one of those things where you feel so helpless and beg and cry out for answers to your stupid childish why answers and get nothing in response. Its painful though it has to be more painful for the person that this happened to and i hate it.

But I have decided to trust god as i know we should, and have decided to help in anyway i can, not by any means trying to fix it with my own strength because that is impossible but trusting god and seeking god to work in this event. the verse Romans 8:28 of course has to come to mind and i believe it god does have a plan god loves us and something good will come of it. But then this morning i read in psalms 30 of the message version these beautiful words, "God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out. You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough." , and i know for sure god is in control.

Peace

What is peace?

Often we hear about world peace, it can even be the butt of a lot of jokes because it has pretty much been decided that its unattainable. But what is it? I read a chapter or two(or more if I'm on a role) of psalms everyday for the last month or so and today was chapter 29, and in the message version it ends with "God makes his people strong, God gives his people Peace." What comes to mind when we read something like this? Do we think the end of a war, the lack of hardship, do we envision rest and relaxation? God gives us peace... wait what about James 1 verse 2 "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

Is something askew here? Not by my definition of peace. See instead of seeing peace as a time to relax and even become slothful, i think peace is a state of mind. I don't think it can be used to describe a society or even the whole world. I think that people use it to describe a said "peaceful" country because they attribute the characteristics of that country to some sort of utopia where every one is happy (everyone is peaceful). But i don't see it that way. Peace, to me, the peace i think that David is talking about in his psalm, is a knowledge that God is in control, a sense that there is a plan. A faith that what is happening has a purpose, and will accomplish some greater good in the end.

This world and our lives are far from the common definition of peaceful, but because God makes us strong, and gives us peace it is through him that we can consider it a pure gift when life gets rough, when direction seems blurry, or all else fails. We had a speaker in chapel today, and though his message was littered with comedy and seemingly desperate tries to make us laugh, he had a good message. He related faith to a vehicle that had broken down and had just been repaired and the mechanic tried to explain all that had been fixed and he just simply asked "does it work?" this is the question he asked of faith "does it work?" Does our faith work? Are we consumed with "peace" that a nation like ours gives us, are we consumed with our mere existence? Or do we have faith that God will give us the strength and Peace to do his will, even in hardship, even out side our little boxes? Do we seek a peace of the physical and the environment we live in, or do we seek a peace in our heart?

God let me have a peace in my heart that i am still seeking you! Let me have a peace that i am still burning bright! No matter the circumstances around me, let me find peace that i am in your will and striving to do your work. And most of all God give me a peace that you love me no matter how much i mess up.

LA Term

Hey I cant believe I didnt say this earlier, but im going!!!


Dear Spring 2008 LA Term students,

Thank you so much for your interest in LA Term. I am happy to welcome you to the program for the Spring 08 semester. The first day of Orientation is Jan. 8, but we will of course be in touch before that time. In fact, I hope to send you in the first week of December your Information Packets, Handbook, and Homestay Assignments. I recognize this last piece (homestays) often evokes the most anticipation and excitement. I will do my best to get that information to you as soon as it is available (hopefully by the first week in December). During Christmas Break you will contact your family in order to schedule your specific move-in date and time during the weekend before Jan. 8. You will also have a reading assignment over the break that will be sent to you in your information packet. I am excited for all that awaits us next spring, and please feel free to contact me if I can be of any assistance to you.

Remember, Remember the 5th of November.

This weekend was hard on me for some reason... I wrote about it a little in my class blog but I'm assuming none of you read that all though if you do its fine. I just got to feeling a little overwhelmed and bored (or rather sick) of college, its about that time when the semester seems to drag on forever, i miss everyone from home but they seem to become distant, and i just would rather be anywhere but here.

But i spent a good part of last night and this morning seeking for the fire and passion that i felt so strongly at the beginning of the semester to be renewed. I think it has, not in any sort of amazing way but i just feel a little more at ease and realize that this is almost over and I'll make it.

So this morning in chapel during worship i was reminded of the V for Vendetta and that today was in fact the Fifth of November. I started wishing i had some big reason to remember it, or some opportunity to speak and intertwine the saying with a challenge. But no such opportunity presented itself and I'm sure i would hardly have been prepared if it did. I did however take notice that instead of wondering and questioning like i had been all weekend, i had just "wished" or "fantasised" about ministry... i know this is weird.

But then the speaker in chapel was Dinesh D'Souza and i was blown away. He is the author a quite a few books and has been involved in many debates with atheists as of late. His latest book "whats so great about Christianity" offers Christians knowledge of how to defend their faith out side "christian lingo" many people when faced with questions about their faith simply quote the bible and cant comprehend that if the person asking the questions doesn't believe the bible it therefore has no authority and to justify your answers based on the item in question is just plain circular reasoning and a fallacy. Which is something i have thought for years and tried to convey to a few people.

His idea in the book is not to attack the weak points in atheism but to attack the strong points. He made some amazing points and i really wanted to read the book where he obviously can go into more depth than just the brief overview in a 45 minute chapel setting. But it was 25 bucks and I'm poor, however i found it on eBay for 16 and bought it with my credit card! lol. But although all his points were good i don't feel the need to type them all instead i will write about the one that struck me the hardest.

The question he was addressing goes something like this, "as an atheist i can do everything a christian can do without being a christian" "a christian can give food to the poor or help in hurricane relief, but so can a non christian, so where is god in that? how is it different for a christian?" His answer (and I'm sure I'm not giving it justice, i just want to show you the point that hit me, I'm sure reading his book will give more clarity to the argument) was that though you don't need to be a christian to do these things, they are still christian "practices" and it just goes to show that Christianity has permeated even into the non christian. I'm so not giving it justice. He went on to talk about how in the ancient "godless" nations there were terrible things that occurred, but that as much as our society might be "non-christian" or even an "atheist" culture we still have "christian" values that have found their way into the lives of many people that don't claim to be Christians.

Ok in an effort to make my thots clearer to you, think about it like this, although we can get caught up on hypocritical ism in the church and the so called Christians, think about how much good there is in our society. Ok ok god forbid i try to make it sound better than it is, but what I'm trying to say is that even though these people might not be in right standing with god, or even denounce him, or simply choose not to follow him, even they are compelled to do good. I know our country is far from perfect and crimes are still committed but think about the majority of people, your teachers at school, the people you work with, family members, I'd say on a whole their all pretty good people. although some would willingly do some thing immoral like get drunk or sleep around, how many of them would murder, or rob someone. If we were in a godless society i would argue that there would be no boundaries, if these people truly thot there was no god why would premarital sex be any different than rape, and if you answer morals, or an inner knowing that a human is born with. I think you are mistaken. I think his point and my point now is this, our culture supports the idea of a god, if you do charitable deeds like feed the poor or help in hurricane relief you are doing so because of morals instilled in you from a (on the whole) moral society that supports the idea of a god. To say that you were born with the notion to help others, and that god has nothing to do with it is hardly credible.

I think it is amazing to see that although our nation might not be christian or even close to right with god, even in those who wish to destroy our faith and refuse to believe god is at work still, over all these years, through all our hard work, through all the lifestyles that have been lived, through every lesson taught from generation to generation, good has been instilled, seeds have been planted, and god is alive and working.

Maybe something like this is worth remembering the Fifth of November. That is if in remembering a date, we can remember a God that is at work even in a society that tries hard to stray from him, but still finds itself stuck and unable to run so far from that God to be able to intelligibly say he does not exist.

Are the old people right is our music too loud?

Ah yes the magical 21st birthday spent as just any other day... A while back if i had stayed on that same track i can see how much different tonight might have been. But instead it was another normal day filled with class, dinner, and starring at a computer screen bored out of my mind.

But also today was the colloquium... fancy word that means something about scholarship, debates, old people, and ... more big words. This colloquium is held every year apparently and is required of all the religion majors to attend. My first response was why is it that the religion department has to be so ... "religious", which i still hold to in the sense that they had it in the first place. But though i did not agree with being forced to sit through it I will say it was good and probably could be educational for some one. The topic this year was the trinity. Sounds big, and is, but the ideas addressed were not new to me and did not push me to anymore of an understanding. What i did get out of it was just a few points he made that to him might not have been all that important but got ideas rolling enough in my head that i started typing this.

First was that he stressed that one of the main points of the trinity is that it is a model to us of how to live in unity. hmmm... that sounds familiar where have i heard that before.... ah yes maybe it was from Dave Ziggler? isn't his idea for his church, trinity church, all about community. i dont know that thats exactly what he was thinking but it made sense to me.

Another interesting comment the speaker made was when he was responding to a question posed by a student that went something like this "since we are on a path of someday being pastors what is some advice for ways we can teach our congregations about the trinity?" his response made sense, he says that the best way is through literagy and prayer, things like hymns and creeds. Hmmm... makes you feel bad for saying the hymns are out dated or boring... he then mentioned "modern" worship and said that we need to incorporate doctrine and things like the trinity into worship songs and the like and "theres not alot of that out there"

wow i dont know about you but when he said that i had an "ah ha" moment as my favorite proffesor schenck would say. All the debates and differences between "old people" and youth in church all the "hymns are boring" and "your music is tooo loud" simply comes down to miscommunication.

Maybe the old folks are right. Maybe we have replaced, or done our best to replace, good solid beliefs about god put in song form, with songs that feel good. Granted their are exceptions im not trying to start any arguments. but although our songs are good are they... great? Can we fall into the lul of "jesus, jesus, jesus" and begin to forget what it all really means? Can we praise god, and sing we worship you, and we love you and be dumbing down truth. Although im definatly not picking on newer music i love it i just think we need to be a little more careful with songs and make sure there is some substance in them, and also taking time to notice the parts that contain the "good stuff" and not just the whoa oo oo o a 's and na na na na 's i think theres a few songs out there now that get it but heres an "oldie" that i love and an example of good christian belief in song. Night all and god bless.


It Is Well With My Soul - Horatio Spafford

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,
though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross,
and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day
when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound,
and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

What do you dwell on?

Well today was kind of hard for me. I got kind of fed up at one point for some reason, and started questioning and wondering which is never good for me.

But finally i got some answers to questions i was worrying about. Sarah called me from the L.A. term I've been applying to, and gave me a 45 minute phone interview!!! She said she would be calling all the applicants tomorrow to give them a final answer!!! I don't care what she says i just want an answer, i feel like my life has little enough direction as it is to keep wondering whether or not I'm even going to the program, so i am impatiently anticipating her call. I seriously cant wait to have that stress gone. Granted i would love to go and will be disappointed if i cant go but at least i wont have to live in limbo.

On another note i had to interview my mother today... It was for my youth ministry class and she was one of a few parents i interviewed to get a better idea of parents relationship and expectations with and for youth ministry. All the questions went so so and it seemed like she struggled to answer them, but the last question was "What other advice would you give to a young youth minister?" and right off the tip of her tongue came Philippians 4:8, which is very unlike her. My mom has, at least to my knowledge, only memorised a few verses, like faithful in little faithful in much and honor your mother in father stuff, usually only used for disciple or at least guilt trips to do what she wants. No offense to her i don't know if she means it but that's the way i felt growing up. But to hear her quote such a perfectly fitting verse that has given my mind more thot to chew on then much of anything else i have heard as of late. It was good to hear... So in case your too lazy to look it up or don't know it, it is "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

Good solid advice, and enough food for thot for tonight.

God bless.

"Flame On" - "All Because Of You"

Well I'm not exactly sure why so much time has pasted since my last entry but since then a lot has happend, after i read all of ecclesiastes and didnt get to bed till 6 in the morning the next day i slept alot, then sunday morning at like 4am i got a desire to read the bible somemore so i read the entire book of galatians which was packed full of so much that i ended up taking 5 pages of notes, then i went back to sleep for like an hour before church. then monday i spent getting the cars ready for the trip home and packing. Then tuesday night my mom and Amy got here and i spent the night getting ice cream with a bunch of friends and showing them the area. Wednesday was the dreaded trip home which ended up taking 14 hours because of the jeep somewhat but mostly because of the intense fog the last 100 or so miles. then thursday was awsome because i got to see everyone and go to youth group again, it was also insightful because i got to interview greg and several of the youth as well as rob schroeder. I think i really learned alot and look forward to the rest of my interviews. friday i got lunch with brandi and everyone then we drove around all the old hangouts and hit mud puddles lol, then we went over scotts house and played halo 3, then it was over to the church to meet up with youth people. We finally went to my house and i cooked dinner for everyone, and decided on the movie "the kingdom" what an amazing movie, its the first time i've gone to a moive with that group and walked out of the theatre in silence, it was really really good, and i plan on seeing it again with people from college. then of course it was off to ezzies till 4 am which was wicked fun. then saturday is the reason for the first part of this title but ill finish my recap first... so saturday i worked on getting the civic winter ready and got two tires mounted on josh's jeep.. sorry josh. then we went fourwheeling wow we had a good run, except for tony's truck, which he just was unlucky and should have tried it in 4wheel and not in 2 wheel drive.. anyways i broke my tracbar on the last trail and had to tie it up some how... so i used my tshirt... yes i have taken the next step into hickdom. later i had dinner with parker and went to bed. sunday involved church first but then the long drive.

So back to saturday, this actually happend while 4wheeling so shame on you people that always tell me its a waste of time. after my good buddy tony got his jeep stuck and partially hydro seized lol we were standing around hopeing it would dry out and i brought up the kingdom, the movie i had just seen, and i said something about it being gory and tony suprized me with "you know whats a gory movie?" "the passion of the christ" i was blown away lol go tony i was thinking, so after explaining (to ensure his manliness) that he hadnt seen it because he wanted to, he added that he couldnt do that just sit there and take all that whipping and torture. so in my stupididy i was like "well its kind of hard not to take it he was all tied down and everything." then mister f-bomb dropping non christian owned my "christianity" he said "yeah but he was jesus he could have just been like "flame on" and did what ever he wanted" my stunned response was somthing like "did you just make a fantastic four refference to jesus?" lol but what i meant was how shallow am i, you dont go to church you dont try to live a christian life and yet you've got it down better than i do... no matter how simple your explanation. the truth is that he is god and could have done anything at anytime to stop it. but he didnt. do we think he owed it to us, do we think well god sent him he kinda had to, he knew that was part of it when he took it on, but the truth is that none of us could have gone through what he went though with the power to stop it, i guess i always saw it as once he commited he had no choice and had to go all the way via being under roman gaurd and being chained/tied up, but thats not true he could have pulled a glatiator and killed all the guards broke the chains killed ceasar he could have done anything but he didnt he endured everypart of his hardship by choice.

so with that in mind i went through the rest of my weekend then also rob burned me a cd of rise against, i really think i like them, although they are definatly not christian. one song in particular stuck out to me called the good left undone. so i looked up the lyrics:

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....
So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is shout it out!

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up fallen to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...Not a day goes by when I don't feel its spurn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is shout it out!

All because of you.
All because of you.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is shout it out!

my first thot was it reminded of a verse that was prophesied over me, psalm 132, in it david makes a vow
"Surely i will not go into the chamber of my house,
or go up to the comfort of my bed,
I will not give sleep to my eyes,
or slumber to my eyelids,
until i find a place for the lord,"

so i thot wow a rock song david might have been able to relate to. then i went running and i dunno why but i guess the song was stuch in my head, so i started just singing "all because of you" as i ran, then that developed into "i believe in you" and instead of "ill follow your voice" it turned into "i long for your voice" and then later was coupled with " give me my direction" which seemed to fit with the rythm while i was running. i was running for like an hour last night and it was raining... but it didnt matter i just keep singing those lyrics i made up to the beat of the song. then later as a sat in the rain thinking maybe i would actually hear his voice now that i had begged him for it, i came up with "Let my life Be a, whisper" "Drown it out, with your voice" so maybe theres a christian parody of rise against in the making lol but it was a really good moment for me a good connection with god, its amazing when you make time for him how he'll show up. then (i know i do this often) i think it just might be my way of seeking god or something... maybe this doesnt strike anyone but me but ... then i thot what if god was singing this song?

stay with me i know its sorta a stretch but what if god was the one looking over the field with nothing but weeds "the earth before creation" and he found a flower "made a flower-adam" but later as he held it in his hand "lived with adam in the garden" the flower began to die "sin" so he plated it back in the ground and and so it could live he walked away "set adam in the real world outside the garden" now as we know god is longing for us to return to him, (i know this is giving god human like characteristics and maybe wrong) but what if its all because of us that god hasnt slept in so long, when he does he dreams, and longs to lay his head down, he reminds us that he hears our voice and all we have to do is shout out to him and he can save us. but he sits and waits and listens for our voice. maybe he can be our angel not the kind with wings no not the kind with halo's but the kind that will bring us home to him when we turn and realize this world "outside the garden, our "home"" has become a strange place all we have to do is shout out!

ecclesiastes 2:11

so earlier in the middle of all this, i was laying on my back stareing at the sky asking god why, was i good enough, does he really want to use me, what do i have of worth, what should i do, how does he see the good in me? ext ext for some reason this verse came to mind, i dont even know if ive ever read it but i was pretty sure all i heard was ecclesiastes 2:11. of course i forgot, and went and blogged my heart and put my own opinions first before asking god. But then i remembered the verse and just read it, and then couldnt stop and read all of eccesiastes.

here is some things that stood out to me

2:11 then i looked on all the works that my hands had done and on the labour in which i had toiled, and indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. there was no profit under the sun.

4:2-3 therefore i praised the dead who were already dead, more than the living who are still alive. YET, better than both is he who never existed who has never seen the evil work done under the sun.

4:13 better a poor and wise youth, than an old king who will be admonished no more

5:20 for he will not dwell unduly on the days of his life, because god keeps him busy with the joy of his heart

6:3-5, 11

7:3 sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad countenance the heart is made better

7:5 it is better to hear the rebuke of the wise than for a man to listen to the song of fools

7:10 do not say why were the former days better than these for you do not inquire wisely concerning this.

8:17

9:11-12

11:5 as you do not know the ways of the wind, or how the bones of grow in the womb of her that is with child, so you do not know the works of god who makes everything

11:9-12:7

12:12-14

12:13-14 LET US HEAR THE CONCLUSION OF THIS MATTER
FEAR GOD AND KEEP HIS COMANDMENTS
FOR THIS IS MANS ALL
FOR GOD WILL BRING EVERY WORK INTO JUDGMENT
INCLUDING EVERY SECRET THING
WHETHER GOOD OR EVIL

i dont ever want to hear her cry again

well i did not see tonight coming but it came anyway. i dont care to discuss todays or rather tonights events but all i will say is that it got me to think. just today i was tempted with the same thing and i turned it down. its been awhile since the temptation even tried but today of all days... were you preparring me oh god? and then solice in the woods, did you know i would need it, did you know my heart needed to be right with you and my mind clear for tonights events? i believe you did. though i didnt know it you knew it was coming and preparred me. college can be such a busy place and solice can be hard to find, and as my heart tore the whole way home, i was able to collapse as it broke and seek you, beg you, and desire you in solice once again. it seems like bathroom floors have become the only place i can truly pour out my heart to you and not be seen/distracted by others. but i also praise you for the community, i praise you for friends like trevor that i can ask to pray, even though i just spent the last 10 minutes on the floor with you. i praise you that i didnt need to tell him anything and yet i could feel your presence and releif as he just mearly sought you out for me. im scared to think im not worthy, im scared to think im not good enough, but thats how i feel. what good can you find in me, what gift could possibly come from this failure? only you god can see and know me, and i care no longer what the world thinks of me, i truly desire to be spotless in your eyes, not for my own reputation, not for my own glory, but so that my life might point others to you, it is not me who lives but you who live in me, please lord god let nothing be about me, but let others see jesus when they see me. i dont want to even help anyone, but i want to me a mediator for you to help and restore them to you. how can i lose my life god, show me what you would do in every curcumstance, let my life be a testiment to your love and grace, let me not be caught up in the ways of this world, even if they are not bad in and of them selfs

i dunno i want to cut it all out i feel like ive come pretty far but i want ever thing gone, i want nothing i dont want to even have a trace of anything that does not directly mirror christ

not only do i never want to hear her cry again, but i dont want to hear anyone cry ever again!
i know its unrealistic, and i know i dont have the strength to declare that at least i'll never make her or anyone cry again but please help me god not to, i will give it all away because anything else i might do effects others and i want nothing to do with hurting anyone ever again

just my thots tonight

today was existing....

last night was our floors last flag football game, so i decided to play since i haven't played the last couple games. we have lost all our games up until this point, but unfortunately there is no thrilling tale to tell, because the reason we won was simple, they didn't show up and thus forfeited... but then we decided to play a game against our self so we divided into upperclassmen versus freshmen lol but as it turns out it was like all the nonathletic upperclassmen versus all the athletic freshmen... so they were beating us and i don't know why but i got it in my heart and decided to step it up. I had the quarterback give me a short pass and somehow managed to juke past my defender and out run the entire team the entire length of the football Field for a touchdown. it was amazing i still don't know where i found the speed or energy. But then towards the end we were still down but only by a little i got a hand off and got lucky i basically ran right between two defenders one reached but missed my flag and for some reason the other one just tried to scare/intimidate me instead of grabbing my flag so i ran it into the goal again now scoring both our touchdowns. afterwards we all decided to run the track now granted i have been running every night again and it wasn't all that bad but then couple all that with 4 hours of sleep and today was horrible.

now on top of that i had a huge schedule to take on as well. had class at 7:50 till 10 chapel till 11 breakfast with Evan till 1130 then i grabbed an hour nap till 1245 ish then back to class till 315 then i had a meeting at 320 to go over my transfer to Azusa Pacific University in Los Angeles, then i had a meeting at 430 about my may term trip to Europe, then i had a quick dinner and was over to youth before 6 which lasted till 930 and then we all got together at taco bell till 1130 then i had to have a group photo for our floor and then practiced for fight night tomorrow... omg I'm so tired, but i somehow remembered i had to blog about youth for class and then decided to relay my sleepiness to you which is why this is entitled just my thots because there really isn't that much point to this.

other than some of the conversations i had at taco bell and my heart as of late. Ive come up with a rough outline of my possible ministry. basically i have this crazy idea. it incorporates some other peoples dreams and establishes mine. after the amazingly fun time we all had together tonight, seriously on a side note we had a blast and i feel a lot closer to most of them than ever, but after all the stories and blah talk i got a chance to run my sketched vision past them and got some input. if your dying to know what it is there are few of you who i will tell and i want to do it in my own way so please don't ask me and make it awkward its very much in the just crossed my mind god, what do you think god? stage. but its really on my heart and i guess id just ask you guys to say a quick prayer if you find the time for some direction and or conformation, and that at least id be able to have some of my questions answered. as for today i thank god so much for his unfailing strength, today was a struggle no doubt but by his grace and my dependence on him i was able to function as a student, his servant, a basketball player....,a friend, and a dreamer today and for that i give thanks. i could not have made it through today alone and could have easily given up and went to sleep at anytime. what are you thankful for today? whats god putting on your heart?

more awe and kids in the way

My knuckles have turned white,
from holding your hand oh so tight
Your hand in mine feels too right
My tongue has become tied,
I'm fighting back my insides
I'm dancing with an angel under pale moonlight
I'm waiting for the day when you will come to me and say
i'm here to stay so let's run away

When we're standing on the edge of it all
Take my hand let's go
There's no need to be afraid of the fall
My love will hold you

i'm drying tears I've cried,
finding love that's in your eyes
One kiss from you and I'm paralyzed
Our hearts are killing time, they're dying to be inline
The idea of being one with you is the greatest prize
We'll watch each other grow, and step into the great unknown
This is our hope, the seed we've sown

why is it that god seems to speak to me most often through song/worship
why is it also i was not blessed with any musical ability lol all jokes aside tonight has been amazing leave it to kids in the way and 2 in the morning i dunno i guess ill just start with being honest when i hear kids in the way it causes me to flash back to everytime i heard that song before, on the way to youth trips, cruising around with shane and josh rudd, on the way to prom, cruising with brandi, so many nights of cruising alone, everthing it all floods back, i absolutly love the music for that reason dont get me wrong i like the band but it has become a trade mark through out my life so much so that it has become linked to many of my memories anyways this song in particular has been my favorite for along time. but i always took it a different way then i have tonight. i always sung my heart out, over a girl... many of their songs could easily be about a girl, and from talks to dave some of their earlier stuff acually was originally about a girl and later they changed the lyrics abit because they wanted that glory to god. i dont know why but i just listened to kids in the ways new album well as much of it that was posted on myspace and then promtly ordered it off ebay, but then i listened to like all thier love"ish" songs and half way through started thinking wow what if i sang these to god instead of about a girl. Ok, the girl... anyways thats not what this is about. i then decided to go back to this song (since it was my favorite i had started with it) and see if it went along with my idea of representing feelings i share with god, i cannot express the passion that flowed through me as i screamed the lyrics to and about god.

as i pictured holding gods hand so tight my nuckles turned white i wanted to cry and i realized no earthly 'relationship" can ever come close to that... i am in uder awe that god loves me that much. why should he? i know he does and i accept that thats not what this is about im not at a crisis im simply at a place where i HAVE to dry the tears ive cried from finding love in his eyes... i cant explain it...

Are you in awe of god?

From the highest of heights
to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty

From the colors of fall
to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable
Awestruck we fall to our knees
as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name
You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees
as we humbly proclaim You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

lately (last two or three days) i have been less in awe with god
i realized last night that i was slowly drifting back into routine, even though i spent the beginning of last week well, and got to serve in a home for veterans and then was able to be part of an amazing youth service Wednesday, which was followed by an even more amazing talk with the youth pastor, some how the last part of the week drug on and i started to become complacent.

i guess the "attacks" are most likely to come after you have found that good place in your "walk". i guess i should have been prepared but i let down my guard. now mind you i did absolutely nothing wrong but i also didn't do all that much good. I realized last night that i was slipping and i cried out to god and told him i was sorry. instantly i have felt a burden lifted. A burden i didn't even know i was carrying. its like in the office when Jim puts one penny in the end of Dwight's phone each day so it slowly gets heavier and heavier and then suddenly one day he takes all the pennies out and Dwight expecting to pick up a heavier phone smacks him self in the face with the lightweight phone. i didn't even realize it was happening because it wasn't like i was doing something bad, something our conscience picks up for us, its not something we usually feel guilty about. But then when released everything seems so much better.

i included this song because its one of the songs we sung in chapel today. i love the song all the time and am not trying to say it meant more to me today then any other day, but something about it was especially good today because i once again found my awe for god. Sometimes life starts closing in and it is so easy to start worrying about grades and tests and to worry about other peoples problems and not realize that even those good things can take our focus off him. So i have decided instead of being apathetic i am going to grab hold of this awe for god, i am going to make this revolution truly take hold of my life, and i thank god for things like devos and community that challenge me and keep my eyes focused on god, and i guess that's what I'm trying to encourage you to do. he is truly indescribable, incomparable, he is such an amazing god, and he deserves our passionate hearts. also i find tremendous grace in the fact that he "sees the depths of our souls and loves us the same" i know he will be with me no matter how i act but i now am more alert to this apathy and refuse to allow it to have a foot hold.

Do You Think God Is Boring???

Hey guys sorry i didn't post this weeekend for the most part i was real busy with my friend matt here to visit and a trip to the badlands. On another note though i did get a little time friday afternoon to talk to brandi which was cool because we were both so excited. I still am and i'm sure she and others still are but as I ran to class after hanging up at 1:10 when my class started at 1:15 across campus... i thought about something we had talked about. I didnt think about all the excitement of ideas and new opurtunities, I didnt think to thank God, what was going through my mind was dread. See we have all had these "mountain top" experiences, my dread is that this isnt really a change in the way i live my life but will fade as sparks usually do into nothing and a month from now i will wonder what happened as i find myself emersed back into the old way. So thats what ran through my head all weekend, in between blowing up things... and talking to creapy fishermen, and running over already dead roadkill.... I guess im throwing my activities in there to show you i'm not trying to tell you to become a monk/nun that doesnt have any fun, if i had to justify it which i dont think i have to, i would say that it is near immpossible to build relationships without fun and memories. anyways why is it that we get to such a good place and then fizzle out? well as god usually does he put it on the heart of our dean of chapel to preach on just that this afternoon. This isnt the first time i've thought about it in fact it is my main goal for this year at college. I have decided to set up goals periodically as i go, right now my goal is in two parts but i feel very relevant to eachother. First is that i want to find the bigger purpose, not just a call but a game plan, what is it that i need to be teaching, what is it that i feel so strongly to teach, is there something we've been missing is there some bigger goal in mind then being good enough to get into heaven and the second part is how to stay there. What i'm starting to realize (but am still seeking answers) is that maybe the message i have in my heart is to tell you you've already heard it. Maybe instead of trying to instill "youth group" principles, maybe its time to start living them. I think so many times we go into it looking for answers looking for what we need to learn, but what if we've already learned it? Is it possible that we have all the tools we need to change the world but we havent mastered trust enough to try useing them? So instead of useing them, they become cleche's of what were supposed to do and we keep saying yeah, yeah... blah, blah... i know all that teach me something new? whats wrong with that!! whats wrong with us!! we keep coming back looking for some new answers some amazing truth but instead we find the same answers and for some horrible reason that depresses us!!?? then when some person full of passion for god rubs off on us, fires us up, puts the same old message in some new form that intruges us, or sounds cool we are lit a flame. we get so gung ho for god. we want to change everything, but wait till next week and its over, we realize christianity didnt get any better, its still just as hard, its still the same old answers we have allready heard. But please catch this, IS'NT THAT THE POINT. god doesnt change, he is the same yesterday, today, and tommorrow. shouldnt hearing reacurring truths strengthen our faith, instead we get caught up in grading the speakers style, and appearence. If you keep going back looking for something better, do you know what that says to god? It says your not good enough yet, make me a better deal. I dont think i like you enough, you just dont fit in my life right now. thanks but no thanks... God you are boring! sounds alot like blasphemy to me... think im wrong? what about the passage in matthew 25 about god judging the world, how about verses 40, and 45 of that chapter to be specific. "And the king will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.’ " and "Then he will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did not do it for one of the least of these, you did not do it for me.’ ". I will argue that when we call a speaker boring or ungifted, we undermime god for we must assume that god has prompted them to speak given them the gifts they need and it is his words. This doesnt mean that god gives him the style that will make him sound the coolest or make it easy for you to listen to. But it does mean that maybe its hard sometimes to hear from god, maybe sometimes it takes a little more patience and understanding to listen to what god is trying to teach us. I mean as it is overstated all the time "no one said it was going to be easy".

Back to todays message in chapel. Eh what the heck I'll post it tommorrow... lol i think i've rambled enough to spark some thot.

Let the revolution begin

I am so angry so pumped so ready!??? ag i dont know what i am but i know god is bringing it together. I love you god so much you are truely all powerful. UG where to start tonight. Last night i tried to blog and couldnt last night was basically a night of despair, so many questions and no answers i wrote bits and peices and then deleted them finaly i closed the laptop and decided to head to bed. Instead i fell on my face before god(in the bathroom so my roomate wouldnt see) i didnt have any great revalation i didnt say all that much i just cried out in desparation. but nothing happend and eventually i drifted off to sleep in the middle of the whirlwind of things in my mind. the title of tonight is how i signed off to an email to brandi and it wasnt because i wanted some cool catch phrase it was becuase god is moving, god has uprooted my heart and has forced me to seek him, i feel as though my mind is not my own, i feel like i have been over taken, i see kids in my youth group and they break my heart, even kids i havent heard their stories i dunno if they see it or not but just spending time with them is destroying me and breaking my heart. we had one of those everyone is called to be a missionary chapels today and instead of scoffing as i have before my heart was torn, wait chapel was yesterday... anyways it tore me up inside. i cant explain this passion he has put in my heart, and then i read a blog by brandi that shows me how much of a burden god has put on her heart, then yesterday i wrote rob an extremely long and somehow much deeper than we have ever talked. and then he responds and i can here the desire in his words. i say revolution because to me revolution discribes something much larger than ones self, its bigger than anyone can imagine, and i say let it begin because it already has, why would three best friends hearts be burdened by the same cause if they were not on the verge of something bigger than they could ever imagine, if truth be told weve always had the burden it was just lighter because we pushed it off, it wasnt the sensible thing, the sensible thing was to save money and go to college, the sensible thing was to get good grades and go to church. but god doesnt always call us to the sensible things. i feel it i know it and i know some of you do to. i dont know what it is but it is begining and it involves all of us. i want to know if your in.

Let the revolution begin.

When will we become everything he desires us to be?

Hey Guys

Sorry I haven't been keeping in touch as much as i would like to be. But I haven't had a way to get online for the last couple weeks. Excuses aside hopefully this blog will be a way for me to communicate with you guys. Hopefully you can see whats on my heart and nipping at my heals, and you will feel free to share the same with me. I don't know what everyone truly thinks about what happened this summer. But I am so glad I met some of you and even more glad about how close we all grew as well. But I also feel like I might not have done the best job, or done as much as I could have this summer. I feel like I fell short. I'm not saying this as a guilt trip or so you will feel sorry for you. but I want you to know because i want to be truthful with you. Some of you have been so open to me and i would like to try to be more open with you all. So please don't send me anything saying I think you did a great job because that's not what this is about. Its about the fact that in everything I do here and especially everything I learn I thank God for. I thank God so much for the opportunity not only to sit along side you but for the chance to prod and poke you a little. Everything I am doing here reminds me of you, as a whole or individuals. People I meet, sermons I here, books I read. Its so much different than just college. And I am so thankful and so ready. And honestly i blame it all on you guys.

I want to mention my challenge to you for a few reasons. One is because it was a challenge to myself. And through it I have seen some amazing changes in my life. I can only hope that this is true in your lives as well. I have developed not only an interest for ministry, which is what i started this summer out with. But it has become an overwhelming burden. I guess its what people mean when they say a passion, desire, or even a call. I like the way kids in the way put it in the song "this might be the song that changes your life" (which is what we listened to my last day at Common Ground Ministries) when they say, "There's a burning in my heart", or later in the song "There's a Beating in my Chest". Before I go on to the other reason(which is you guys), i want to remind you exactly of my challenge.

The lyrics to the song go on, "I come to you, I look to you, and say, when will I become Everything, that you desire me to be?" My challenge to you was not specific, it depended on where you were. Maybe you just need to cry out to God, Maybe you need to just listen. Maybe you need to decide when it is your going to get serious, when it is that you will dig beneath the surface of what the world today sees as being a christian, what all the rules are what lifestyle looks like, and begin to discover his specific plan for you. You were created in his image, he knows the number of hairs on your head and he intentionally created you for some purpose. Its not like God created a bunch of people and then handed out a bunch of job descriptions he expected you to complete. He designed you, he knew all the circumstances that led up to your birth(think you were a mistake, an accident? Think again!), he gave you every little feature, every design that would make you perfectly fit in his plan, he gave you all the tools to complete your mission, and he has been setting you up for it all your life, think people or circumstances around you or in your past are random, no way, they are all right there waiting for you. all you have to do is slow down, speed up, turn around, get dumped, get fired, break a leg, what ever it takes for you to realize he is pursuing you and you and only you are good enough. Maybe the time for you to become what God intended you to be is right now. Or maybe you will brush me off, brush off everything and just coast a little longer. Whatever you choose, whatever the result is, know that God works all things together for the good, which is not a good excuse to brush him off, but instead is a promise to you that even if you decide to not decide, (which by the way is the same as saying no, just no one ever wants to admit to directly telling god no) he will still be pursuing you, still be causing events and people in your life to push you closer to him. In closing for tonight I urge you to find the burning in your heart and ask God why its there and what he wants you to do about it. You don't have to do anything, you don't even have to say it out loud, just ask him in your mind, in essence just think about it.